"Allow yourself not to be perfect..." quote from my momma in one of her emails.
Hmmmmm. Not like I plan on being perfect or look at that as an attainable goal. Don't even want it. But I do feel this...weight?....of responsibility to being as close to perfect as I can be. Or the best I can be at whatever it is I'm doing. But I am also a procrastinator and a lot of other things which leads to a ton of guilt when I am not the best I can be in every area.
How about I just try to be Hannah? Instead of trying to be the best. Why don't I just try to be Hannah and love Jesus?
Shouldn't I have learned this a really long time ago? I mean, this is pretty darn basic.
New goal: Love Jesus and be Hannah.
Man. Seriously, the last few days I've been having those random off days where insecurity gets the best of me and it's this sick, self obsessive cycle or realizing just how much you don't measure up in every area of your life. For me it goes something like, you should be farther spiritually and love Jesus more, you should be better at being a girl and if you were then boys would like you, you should know how to flirt, you should be more fun because and then people would want to be friends with you more, you should be smarter and pick things up faster, you should not be this major, you should have been more of this and this and less of this and said this and done this and done more....etc.
I hate those days. I walk through them with friends often. And I think it's not like they come up less for me than most girls, I just am better at ignoring them and pretending they don't exist. But I'm sick so I have a lot of time to not busy myself with things and I'm in a new environment so I can't just run to old secure places or people to forget about it.
I think I need to maybe believe in myself a little more. I'm always the skeptic when it comes to myself. Biggest critic, biggest skeptic. I always envied those girls in sports that played with far more confidence then they ever should have. But the reality is, as much as they were not as good as they thought they were they still took more chances and would often produce more despite very little accuracy. I like sure things. I like knowing what I'm doing. I like not messing up or looking stupid. I like not being in people's way or inconveniencing them.
So I'm going to sign up for a dance class. And i'm going to learn to play guitar with my roommate. And I'm probably going to start writing lyrics. And I'm going to decorate our house. And I'm going to antique some furniture. And I'm going to study as hard as I can to learn instead of achieve a grade. And I'm going to take roadtrips to random places. And I'm going to go find an open field and run in it. And I'm not going to work way over 40 hours a week to get ahead. I'm going to buy colorful reeboks. And I'm going to go hear live shows every chance I get. I might color my hair a little. I'm going to learn photography. And I'm going to learn how to country dance. Well. And I'm going to run a marathon and kill it in the weight room. I'm going to pierce my belly button even though like 3 people in the world will ever see it ( not a fan of bikini's in public, ever). And one of these days I'm going to go back to the batting cages and conquer that horse I fell off of two Septembers ago. And I'm going to wake up early in the morning and make the most of my days.
Pretty much, I'm going to love life, live the life I love, and play for the love of the game instead of to not make a mistake.
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to not make a mistake....thats the title of a book that is waiting to be written. and if you won't I will! =) i love you. have i told you that? i should tell you that everytime i see lights on the freeway disappearing into the black backdrop we call a sky. red going one way, white going the other. I should tell you that when my stomach turns and my heart lifts its head in that glorious "im alive" way when I watch dancers telling stories with their bodies. falling from grace with grace. its my favorite part.
ReplyDeleteI hate that voice that tell you your not enough. I hate it. It is the furthest thing from the truth. thats my first reaction. to reach out and snatch it and eff it up for even talking to you. (Im convinced thats Holy Spirit inspired by the way) but my second reaction is to step back and just walk with you. because I know you. I know the fight in you. and I know the damage you will do by just being you(which is as glorious as dancers in flight, red lights going one way, white lights going the other, words placed together like a gorgeous bouqette of flowers, with freedom like a field as wide as it is long). I know you. and I wouldn't miss this for the world! go love! Im running with you! do it all and write about everything! I love your heart. I bless your heart. thank you for inspiring me and setting me straight. Love Jesus and be me. thats another book. one I think mostly heaven will hear or read. =)
and just so you know, mentally, Im at our spot by edwards marveling at loves expression (which is you by the way. you are loves expression.)
When I was reading this, my eyes watered. I don't know if it was tears of heartfelt sympathy or just allergies, but either way I think you should take it as a compliment. Not everyone gives me allergies.
ReplyDeletei just love you.. and i love what you are learning in life. keep going... you never cease to inspire me. love you best friend.
ReplyDeletewow.
ReplyDeletemegan grant