Thoughts keeping me up at 3 a.m.

Wasted time. There are eternal repercussions for wasted time. And tonight, at breakaway and following, the weight of that hit me like a ton of bricks. Ben Stuart never actually said that. He talked mostly about living in community and how the Thessalonians/Paul and Timothy changed cities, provinces, and the world. They would enter a culture and the culture would shift and change rather than them. He related that to our environments.

And tonight I got sucker punched by the message. Repeatedly. And it was good. And all I can feel is this weight of eternal things that matter. Good works that He has created and designed for me to walk in. Good works that I am not walking in because I am not walking in Him because I choose daily to spend my time doing meaningless things that mean nothing twenty four hours from now, let alone eternity. Because I choose to waste my time rather then truly seek His face and know my Savior and be deeply and entirely changed by Him.

There is more for me then this. And I can't do this anymore. i feel the weight and the price for waste is heavy. His yoke is light. And I don't even know what I am wasting yet. But I feel this weight of purpose as well. Of plans. And it brings me back to the decision to walk away from Vanguard. And it brings me back to the night on the roof the early morning before I moved to Fresno and saw the shooting star and heard Him say "Done."