Update

I keep waiting to blog until I can really go for it. I keep putting it off. And blogging is good for me as a person. A release if you will. Soooooo ya'll can just deal with my rambling ones in between my processy ones. Feel free to unfollow. i won't be offended.

Just ran a 5K. Second time running in pretty much over a year. It was that kind of a night. Can't wait to be back in shape. I seriously love running at night. And I love my new rec center I have full access to at A&M. Speaking of....it was one of those nights where you have the choice to run it out or cry it out and I picked run. Though I did tear up at the huge lit up TEXAS A&M sign on the turn into the main drive of campus. I'm just really happy and thankful. So worth all the work. So worth the extra year of school. I walk around campus with a big cheeser smile on my face because I'm just thrilled to be there. Seriously. Haha.

I love my job. I always knew I'd like waitressing and had a sneaking suspicion I'd be good at it. I love the speed and multitasking and the taking care of people. Especially the last part. It does kill me a little bit the brokenness of the people I work with. Pretty much it all revolves around getting high, drinking, bars, sex, and.....ya that pretty much sums it up. And I want to be friends with them and I do care about them but I know it just comes across as I think I'm better and judgmental because I always turn down hanging out with them. But honestly, my options were Halo one night (gay bar) pool at Poet's and beer pong(this would have been with only one guy) a huge frat party, or to see the Last Exorcism. I don't know how to love on them. I don't know how to be friends with them. I can't laugh at their jokes and I can't hang out with them like that. Especially not if it's just me not drinking. I don't really know what to do. I don't know how to meet them where they're at and be friends without compromising or competing with His presence.

My living situation is....alright. Boyfriends keep spending the night but nothing happens. Shared my heart on that and the 21st birthday party that happened where someone ended up drinking way to much and long story short I got left to clean up after him in the bathroom and figure out how to get drunky passed out in my bathroom without his pants on safely home. Yeah for good ol Texas boys who always seem more than willing to help out. Then Jill came within a fraction of a second from getting killed by a drunk driver on the way home. Broke her review mirror on her driver's door. Spent the rest of Sat night calming her down.

It's not like I think alcohol is evil. I just hate what I see it do to people. I hate the pain it's caused and the lives of people I love that it's ruined. I hate the tool it's used to deceive college students and at the very least encourage tolerance and compromise rather than the pursuit of godliness and His heart. And it hit me in the face last Saturday. And I know I'm not above any of that. And I know He is the only keeping power. And I've never been so sure of loving Him. I could hardly study on Sunday because I kept getting pulled back to the word. My perspective was His. Worry...gone. He is in control. Rest. Peace. Love. Joy. Didn't worry about myself or how I came across because it wasn't about me. I just wanted His presence. I wanted to enjoy and love Him everywhere, always....at school, at work, at home, working out, getting ready, eating....etc. I just wanted to be with Him. I know He is always there....but it's different. I wanted to always abide. And He spoke to me and I heard it. And I heeded His spirit rather than quenching it. It was beautiful.

Problem is, I tend to live off of "yesterday's manna" rather I suck that baby and experience dry. I live off that instead of making it new and real every day. I don't wait on Him. I don't seek Him really. I throw up sweet genuine prayers and then walk away. Good intentions, no follow through. Praying for a hole leaning on a shovel. I say I want this and then do nothing to go after it when it's right in front of me. I want Him to hand it to me. Or something. Problem is after last Saturday....I'm not okay with less. I read my bible and listen to podcasts and read books....but it's not abiding. It's not walking in His Spirit. And that's what I want because everything else seems like a cheap substitute. I don't want to be seeking this emotional experience....but it was Life ya know?

And as bad as I want it, and as not okay as I've been since it's been different....I still throw up these prayers and walk away wanting Him to hand it to me instead of going after it. I know He does it, but for lack of better word, He doesn't whore Himself out. He waits to be wanted as John Piper put it. He is a God who hides Himself. Those who seek find when they seek with all their hearts. Knock and it will be opened. Ask and it will be given. Wait and He will answer. Draw near and He will too. He wants me to come after Him. I can see it now. But I'm still standing here not moving because I'd rather be on facebook or watch movies or sleep.

I am sacrificing the glory of God for a movie, for a social network, and for my own laziness. I am sacrificing knowing His heart and face and person because I would rather waste precious time I will never get back.

That's the truth. There you have it. Tomorrow is my day off. Hopefully, I'll spend it differently.