I Refuse.

This is actually a good blog. I can feel it. When I said 18 posts I was exaggerating. But perhaps I'm more honest than I thought.

When I wrote that post yesterday morning, I truly meant it. Every word. That was the state of my heart. But my foundation was not as solid as I had thought. Isn't it amazing how sometimes one small thing can knock your world right of it's axis again? Suddenly, once more you are trying to find your balance and firm footing. Man, that ticks me off.

I got rejected from another job. Another almost. So close, yet so far. But this one was perfect. Tutoring little kids for 15 bucks an hour and I would control how often I worked and when. I have come to realize I need a job that I can control my own hours. I honestly feel like that is my sense from the Lord. My friend pointed it out and it was confirmed two more times last weekend. I tried for other jobs where that was not the case but the job market in Fresno is so bad. So I clean. And I work my parent's property and watch my minimal savings dwindle as I pinch pennies. I was so excited to get work experience credit, good hours, do something I like, and make good money. The idea of being financially stable and have money to cover bills, save, and be generous with had me so excited. But I am three completed units short of the requirement. I was so close to getting hired. So close. I was so excited to not have to worry about money for once. I know. I know. I don't have to worry about money. And I don't have to have more than enough to be generous. I just for once wanted that security.

And then I get so mad that clearly so much of my security rests in finances. That is not where I want it to be. So I read Matthew 6 over and over and over and over and over until it finally sunk in.

You cannot serve God and mammon (riches)... Who by worrying can add a single cubit to his stature?... The birds neither sow nor reap nor gather yet your heavenly Father feeds them... Am I not worth more than them to Him?...The lillies are clothed... Ye of little faith.... Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things shall be added to you.

I have so much to be thankful for. So much. Dang this ticks me off.

You know what? I refuse. I refuse to go down to Egypt for help in times of famine. It is vain and empty. I refuse to so easily toss aside the life of tents and altars. He is my source. He has been faithful. He will be faithful. That is my hope. That is my trust. I look to Him for help. He knows my needs. I refuse to go to the world and it's ways...clearly I have been studying Abraham. I started down this road. I left Egypt. I am in the wilderness. I refuse to be one of His children that says "it was better for me then than it is now." I trust His character. I trust His person. I trust His love. I am struggling with the tent part. Which means it needs to go on the altar. I long for Hebron. (confused? read...http://scyoungpeople.org/docs/mr/Line%20of%20Life%20(5)/WEEK%203%20Life%20-%20Altar%20and%20Tent.pdf)

Whatever He is trying to do and accomplish in me and through this, it is far more than worth the price. His way. Not mine. His supply. I am done trying to be my own Savior in my own self-righteousness and strength. I either trust Him or I don't. He is either God or He is not. He is either good or not.

Tonight, I sleep secure in the palm of His hand and nothing else.