Probably Wouldn't

I hate competing. Mmm, that's a lie. I LOVE competing in almost every way except with boys. Then, I hate it. I refuse. I hate that game so I choose to not play it. I take myself out of the game and take a step back. The only problem with that is when other girls are competing. It makes me want to something fierce. Even in friendships. Sigh. Another one bites the dust and I'm backing up.

I was talking to one of my dearest and closest friends yesterday. We spent the afternoon and evening together relaxing and talking. We watched Dear John and ended up all contemplative. She wrote, I painted, and we just talked about life. I love talking about life. Anything and everything. What things mean. How we view things. Things we wrestle with. Things we process but rarely bring up. We were talking about boys and falling in love and what it means to give your heart away and who is worthy of it. She brought up this guy who she wishes with everything I would fall for.She asked me in a more of assuming statement sort of way that of course I would tell her if I ever felt something for someone right? After all our raw, vulnerable, sharing the depths of our hearts conversations, of course I would right? I avoided that question like a politician. I was honest, but left her with peace of mind. Of course I should. That is information that as soon as you are close friends you tell immediately. So of course with best friends it should be a given. For 99% of girls it would be.

But truthfully, no. No, I probably wouldn't. Of all the millions of intense and vulnerable things that should be harder to talk about...that one wins. Hands down. Everytime. No contest. Maybe I would with one of my friends in Texas who is so far removed from the situation it would be impossible to have it tainted. It takes a whole lot for me to tell anyone that I have begun to care about someone or look at them different. Maybe because it is such a close part to my heart. Maybe becuase I don't want other people's opinions and manipultions and "ohh go for it!"'s to be involved. I think it has to do with that part of my heart is so carefully guarded, I don't trust myself to guard it if I let other people in. I don't trust them to help me guard it or myself to keep guarding it as well if the gate is swung open that far.

I choose to not focus on that. I choose to only think of them as brothers in Christ until they make the first move. Then I will open my mind up to the possibility of considering it. Until then, it isn't an option. It's all a mental decision. Just like in sports when you were to tired to keep going but mentally chose to no matter what and your body just obeyed. That's how I feel. Maybe it's to intense. I just don't want to mess it up. And given the chance to lead, I will. Every time.

But shoot. After that second look it's hard to go back.

Nope. Not a chance I would talk about it.