Worth.

here we go again. I don't even want to lift my questioning eyes up. Shame. So I sit indian style on the ground staring at my hands in my lap. Will this game ever be over? How many times do You have to promise me the same thing? How many times must You confirm in me Your affection and purpose? And why do I choose to let go of that security to cling to sand slipping between my grasp. Running after the world's validation. Looking to the reaction of others to define my worth. Drawing conclusions by what has been reinforced. Letting those lies I hold as truth control me. This is one of those things that is easily hidden in me. I am fighting going back and rewording to make it sound better. But I need to be raw sometimes. I thought last year healed me. I had security. Now I think maybe it just gave me security and being led away exposed it. Honestly, choosing God's perfect will as opposed to His permissible will is something I will never regret. But it is something that has caused me to be exposed in ways that would have taken years to realize later. I think this year is one for developing. Like I said many times before, battling the sake of my ministry now in these times.

I am free. My Jesus loves me. I love my friends and this life. And I go about my day praising along the way. He is faithful. The simple things in life. I am thankful. And thankful for the opportunities and gifts set before me. But sometimes I realize just how captive I am. Or maybe it's just being recaptured. Or still maybe it's just so cleverly disguised I never knew I've been caged this whole time until the bars hit me in the face. So I turn around, feeling free again until eventually I hit the other side.

Am I enough? That seems to be the most determining question. Laced with fear. Laced with insecurity. Laced with expectations of them all being confirmed. How pathetic. I am the Beloved of the Lord Jesus Christ. My Love who bought me with a price because He desired me. He created me on purpose and there were no mistakes. I am on purpose and for a purpose. I need to embrace it. I am enough. Will this battle ever end? How many times have I thought it was over before I realized I was not fighting a single battle but a war full of them.

I don't want to question my worth. To only see my lack. To put so much stock in all the things I'm not and question what I have to offer. I am not supposed to be measured to standards of comparison. I am weak yet He is strong. He is my Advocate. I heard a cheesy line that actually holds a lot of truth. Faith it until you feel it. He will accomplish it in me, this is not my battle to fight. I let it go. And I stretch out my hand in hopes of grasping the hem.

Take a deep breath and lift my tear filled gaze. I lift my eyes up, unto the mountains, where does my help come from. my help comes from you. maker of heaven. creator of the earth. oh how I need you Lord. You are my only hope. You are my only prayer. So i will wait for you to come and rescue me to come and give me life. I lift my eyes up.

Consider this my plea for help.