Sensitivity to His Voice

I'm house sitting this week for a single middle aged woman whose "precious babies" (dogs named Charlie and Skeeter) need medicaiton and have their own set of pajama's. A definite plus is that I get a retreat place this week to work on projects without distraction and to get away and spend some solid face time with the Lord. Which has been lacking more than lately. If we're honest, apathy is how you could describe my last couple weeks.

I've been considering being sensitive to the Lord's voice lately. My focus on this began my senior year of high school when I was figuring out where to go next after graduation. I was frustrated with the idea of only being able to "know God's will" by SEEing my external circumstances. Did I get in here or there? Can I afford this? etc. I wanted to know the Lord better than having to completely depend on physicalities. Since then one of my consistent prayers is for God to make my heart sensitive to His voice and Spirit.

Looking back I started sensing in November of last year and then on and off again until summer when it was confirmed, that I wouldn't go back to VU and that God was leading me away. Mostly just situations that would come up and I would just have a sense...a gut....more like an intuition...that God was leading me to Fresno. Back then I thought I was paranoid. Now I know it was God answering my prayers and developing my ability to hear. Why am I always so suprised when God answers my prayers? It's like I pray so many things and end them with "but Your will be done" in some form or another. But most of the time it is not out of holy submission, but as a security blanket that if God doesn't come through I'll still be okay. It's me giving Him, or rather me, an out. Yet He answered it anyway.

I have a very similar feeling this year. More than a feeling, a sense. I hate how that sounds. Flowery, feel good, like Christian fluff. Mostly, I hate how I feel the need to defend and validate it. But His sheep know His voice right? And I'm learning to be more sensitive to the Spirit. The gentle nudgings. Rick Taylor shared a story in Res recently that made me take a step back, sorry if I already shared it.....He was talking about how after moving for weeks he wanted to call this friend. Then that friend called him and he told him he was meaning to call. A few months later same story. Then again and again for about a year. Finally the other man said,"Rick, it sounds like I'm listening to the Spirit better than you." Wow. I talked to my dad and we had a good conversation about God moving like that.

So I have this sense....none of it is confirmed and I'm still planning on Texas next fall....but I'm sensing that more and more this is not one of those things where God says, " I gave you a free will, choose either and I will bless you." As I get closer I can just tell this is something He has an opinion about too. And as much as I'm still moving towards Texas currently, I'm beginning to wonder if I'm staying in Fresno. It would make sense. I did say I would never go work at Hume before graduation or when my brothers were still working there. Check, check. I said I would never live in orange county. check. I said I would never go to Fresno State.....let the records show I'm saying this now, I will NEVER marry Tim Tebow. Hey, it's worth a shot.

As I have began to talk about before Brad is leading us through a series on Nehemiah and talking a lot about holy discontents. Basically callings from God expounded on in incredible ways and his example of how to carry it out. I have been praying about mine for a while. I always just felt I wouldn't truly know what it was until perhaps when I get married and jump into ministry with my husband. (and btw that is not me expecting to marry a pastor but whatever we are doing will be ministry oriented, you can make any profession that way). But this last week I have felt the stirrings of a holy discontent. For high school girls. Or around that age. Ones that want the more out of a relationship with God and helping them seek Him and realize He is life and enough. To find contentment in Him and know the way of the cross and self denial. Such a bad description. Immedietly I thought, first thing I'll do is volunteer with the high school at Grace in college station, TX and get plugged in. Then last week I got like four emails/messages from younger girls wanting to talk. A few more phone calls and texts. Two in particular that made me take a step back. As I was excitedly getting ready to go about meeting up with these girls and a thought popped in my head. Why in the world am I going somewhere else when I have that already all set up right here. I have those girls in my life now, relationships already started with the grounds and position of being able to rock and roll. What about them who are already asking for it? I am much more of a partner person and would be ready to roll and dive in if I had one person to come along side of. I would feel more secure, but if I need to stand alone, it will be in His strength and I'm willing. This is my heart and I need to pray about it. Not to mention all the confirmations about this being something I'd be good at. Thank you 4 random people and my personality my unique desing test.

Two other things that are on my heart I saved for the end when maybe most people have stopped reading. 1. I am dreaming up a post residency response for some girls. This is all wishful thinking at this point. I can't imagine sticking around here without residency. I so badly want a core group of girls that want to dig in deep and really sink their teeth into the word. Read books, footnotes, listen to podcasts, walk through life and spur each other on in a raw and authentic way. Girls that want to live for more and and not settle. I don't know if that would mean meeting at the same time as Res would, or a couple of days a week, or once, or what. I don't know anything except I desire to find these women and walk through life with them and spur each other on with intentionality by having of a a game plan. I feel like is works better doing that in community and as a committment. More effective and follow through. and 2. I have never spoken about this except to my father and one close friend who lives 5 hours away. And I keep it to myself because word relation makes it link to "woman pastor: which I not only don't have a desire for, but disagree with. And I haven't brought it up because like everything else the past three years, something I have been considering quietly with only seeking my father's wisdom Jon all the sudden has the same idea, vocalizes it, and then by the time I'm ready to talk about it, I am infringing on/stealing his dreams. Oh well. Here is goes....wow this is hard to say....If I go to state it will also allow me to hopefully save up money to head to DTS after graduation. I have been considering Moody since h.s. and possibly Multnomah....but after researching some DTS is where I'd want to go. Not to become a pastor...just because I want to know the word better. I want to be biblically measured and invest it in other people. I can't think of anything else I'd rather invest my money/time in. So as of now, keeping this quiet, that is potentially my game plan. To quote one of my favortie movies of all time....yikesabee. My dad says if it is consistently where my heart's desire is then I should respond. Do what you are passionate about yeah?

Life is definitely an adventure and I'm fascinated to see how this all turns out.

And I miss Vanguard a lot tonight.