Last couple posts were bummer posts. I feel so dramatic when I reread them but honestly all my complications come out in this blog. That's one of the reasons I kept it, because it was a good outlet and I process through writing. I contemplated even posting the last one for a while. And others too. But I think it's good for me to be able to be raw and vulnerable sometimes. To open up.
It keeps me from trying to create or keep illusions of this role so many seem bent on portraying as the "good Christian girl" who has overcome it all and never struggles and is abiding and delighting in Jesus 24-7-365.
There is a need to be authentic and genuine. That is why I posted it. I don't want to be anything else. And because when you are able to just be yourself, it allows others to do the same. And if I am in the business of mentoring young women....who mostly I consider as equals....I need to set the tone and be willing to be raw, exposed, genuine, and authentic because then they can do that too. I want to be a safe place for them.
Not to mention being exposed means acceptance of it. And without accepting it there is no healing.
And the awesome thing is, the more I deal with this, the less power it has over me. It's like piece by piece it's all falling away and I can genuinely not care an ounce what others want or need. If I am okay before the Lord, I don't really care about anything else. On a good day. I am slowly becoming comfortable in who He made me. Completely. In a book for residency we are reading right now it talked about the need for this. Praise the Lord for His work and involvement in my life.
As much as a fight and a process this all is, it is GOOD. So good. And I genuinely love my life. I love what He is teaching me (especially the sensitivity to His Spirit lately). I love where God has me. I love the company He has placed me in. I am soaking up every second of it because I have no idea how long it will last before He leads me somewhere else.
That sums up my thoughts for the night but for comedic relief if you care to continue, I definitely had an "Andi" day today. Whoever that boy is out there for me will need to be something like Tim if we are to survive anything. Example: My car officially needs new tires. Thankfully I have 435 dollars lying around. Not. But I am genuinely thankful that I can easily find extra work to pay for it. Thank you kind parents for being more than happy to give me jobs. It seems like neither were to keen on spending their breaks taking care of the property that is in need of some TLC. Spent most of the day wacking weeds. I miss working on my parents farm (2 1/2 acres of orchard...doesn't constitute a farm to me but apparently to people who live in neighborhoods it does). Good hard manual labor. The kind where your hands remain in the clenched position for hours after you're done because it hurts to much to open them up. The soreness in the morning. And how every meal after or during tastes like a million bucks. I genuinely enjoyed my summers of construction with my dad. Anyway, so after a day of weed wacking, I was hurrying home to finish two papers, two speeches, and a study group for a test at 8 the next morning that I was very dependent upon to do well. After sundown I took off in a hurry. Quickly picked up a sub to eat on the way and was a sight to see covered in chunks of grass, weeds, dirt, and sticks. A few miles outside of town my dad called and I had accidentally took his ipod. Met him halfway and gave it back. Got back on the road and was just about to hit the freeway a half hour later where my favorite gas station is and the gas light had just come on. It was then I realized I left my card with the cashier (friend from high school...of course, small town. who isn't a friend from high school?) and in the midst of talking she never gave it back and I didn't notice. So I called my dad a little panicked to get the number of port of subs. In the process of calling I locked my keys in the car and was half hour away from everyone I knew. My dad came to my rescue only to realize he had picked up the card on his way and forgot the key. Another hour later and I was finally on the road only to have missed the study group completely for my test with it being two hours later plus an hour to get back to fresno. And naturally it was for a class I don't own the book for because it was expensive and I can get by great on tests if I study with my group. Bum. I laughed a lot today. Life is funny. Yeah for all nighters and John Mayer keeping me company.
But you know what? How awesome that I get to study. I have the resources, I have a comfortable environment, and I get to learn things. Not a rough life. I'm not forcing myself to be optimistic, I am just genuinely thankful. And I have good sources of income, enough to cover my bills if I work it right. And I have a great family. After ruining my dad's whole evening with him constantly having to bail me out all night, I felt really bad. The man never stops, like ever, he is always taking care of someone and tonight he has a rare 4 hours to himself to chill all of which ended up helping me and wasting a ton of gas. His response was, "Hannah, you aren't pregnant, running off with every guy that gives you a second look, doing drugs or alcohol, or anything like it. If this is as bad as it gets, I have nothing to complain about. And even if it wasn't it wouldn't matter. I love being your father. And helping you out is my blessing not my burden. Don't feel bad and don't shame yourself. You're wonderful and I love you." Seriously? Who does that? So I very well might fail my test tomorrow giving me a "B" in the class instead of an "A" and when I'm tired I formulate sentences weird and say words really differently, so speeches should be entertaining tomorrow. And tomorrow's assignments depict heavily on the outcome of my final grades which depend heavily on getting into schools. But, I honestly don't care. I have security and that was affirmed again tonight. God is sovereign and I'll do my best and not sweat it. And I'll enjoy it along the way.
No comments:
Post a Comment