Yes & Amen.

Let's see how short I can actually keep this.

Nutshell: I once again fell into the rythymn of striving like crazy. Focusing on being enough and doing enough in every category of my life, which of course sacrifices pretty much any sort of fellowship with Jesus because I'm basically saying I want to accomplish what He did for me and what He did isn't enough for me. My girl community is gone for summer. And I started my second waitressing job this summer. Luckily both managements are happy to work with it. All of this is a perfect combination for a crazy Hannah.

Exhausted and tired on the inside is how I've been. And off. But this last weekend was a breathe of fresh air and sometime Sunday afternoon I felt myself coming back to life. A little bit of fight back. More ready for summer, which officially kicked off yesterday, than I have been yet. Here is what I realized:

Life is up for grabs. And I am free. He already paid the price. And I am already His and He is mine and nothing I do can even touch that. As I am doing my best to grip on tight, I am actually the one being held. Even if I let go. And all of this working like crazy to do well in school, work hard, make enough money, be valued in relationships, be on good terms with everyone, be semi in shape, etc etc etc doesn't mean jack. Not without Him anyway. And when I use all of those things as another way to be about His glory and knowing Him everything changes and shifts right again.

I know better. And The best part of the last three weeks being frustrated, not sleeping, stressed, and semi depressed sometimes is that my life feels drastically different without His fellowship. I like that.

My job. Both of them. Not about me or making money. My health. My relationships. My living situation. My whole life, and every aspect is another opportunity to know Him and gain Him and glorify Him and know Him. I am sick of being frustrated with myself for not being enough. He is enough for me. He set me free. Time to live like I believe. I am sick of being frustrated at hard situations and persecutions and when my "rights" are stepped on. Sick of hating struggle. And it's because I don't get it. Every situation, every pressure, every environment, and trial, is not only a personal orchestration of God and what His hand has allowed in my life, but there are also priceless treasures in them. And in each there is the opportunity to know and gain Christ more. So I need to just get over myself. I need to recognize He is God and I am not. I do not have to know why. Just because I don't understand gives me no right to be frustrated or irritated. Fact is, He has perspective of the big picture, He is in control, and He is good. And He does not have to submit His dealings to my reasoning. It is ridiculous to be frustrated at inconveniences because it is not about me.

I walked away from my life being my own when I left Vanguard. His choice. His way. His hand. His dealing. His Heart. Christ. That is what I want. And I want to know HIm and have other people know Him. I want my life to be a testimony to the value of knowing Christ. I want to live like I believe. I want to actually believe and know. I want to be fully surrendered to Him. I want to embrace things as from Him and find Him in them rather than making it about me.

Summer. His. Jobs/School/Relationships? His. Me? His. It's time He took the rightful place in my life of being my highest aim and passion. My greatest reward. My Savior and Shepherd and Kind. And so much more. Not an "and also".

Helpless to change any of this. And all I'm good at is making it all about me. Thankful that I am no match for Him.


So here is my game plan for summer 2011: Be with Him. Love Him. And pray "Yes and Amen" as often as I think of it.