Relationships...brace yourself it's long

I knew this post was coming since i decided to keep my blog, and I figure now is as good a time as any to get it out of the way.

I go about relationships a lot different than....well pretty much everyone. I was in 7th grade when after watching (guess I haven't changed, still a people watcher) lots of high school and Jr. High relationships and the superficiality, riskiness, and meaninglessness of it, decided not to date until I graduated high school. I am a romantic at heart, and I know my heart and it is not something I want to mess around with or take lightly. Pretty smart for a 11-12 year old, I think. I decided I would instead focus on my relationship with God and falling in love with Him first.

On top of that, I have incredible men in my family. I will never be one of those girls that wonders if there really truly are any honest to goodness, quality men out there. Only problem for me is I am related to most the ones I know. My dad, brothers, uncles, and cousins, set the standards pretty high. I know what it looks like when a man passionately loves, follows, and knows Jesus. Not perfect men, just flawed ones that are in love with a perfect Savior. If you know the guys in my life you know that, if anything, I am understating their character. So, as a result, I am far less willing to settle for someone that doesn't fit that description.

I go to a Christian University and the common joke is, ring by spring or your money back. As is common at Christian Colleges, the girls outnumber the guys. And they are so dang aggressive! The girls manipulate everything, flirt like crazy, and over share their heart. It seems like they are holding out their hearts in the palm of their hands right under the guys faces saying, " Here is my heart, now you know what it looks like. Do you like what you see? All you have to do is say yes and it is yours!" And of course they guys go for it. And apathy is bred on their part. And of course it is! Why would they fight to win something that is freely handed to them?

I may be old fashioned, but something about this whole process just feels....off. It is not the way I want to go about it. I don't want to have to go to great lengths manipulating conversations and circumstances to show a guy my heart and flirt like crazy so he looks my way twice. Whatever happened to fighting for a girls heart? But like I said, why would they fight for something when fighting actually costs something of them. Why pay for what comes free other places? Are our hearts that cheap? *Sigh* I just...don't...want to play those games. Is that so wrong?

It is frustrating though, because sometimes I do want too. It seems even the good guys always go for the girls that throw themselves at them. and i am left wondering if because I go about it differently, if anyone will ever look my way twice. Not that I really want a guy without a backbone, who lets the girl wear the pants, and won't stand up and lead because he doesn't have too. But I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life either. After my favorite wedding of two people I love dearly, I decided I didn't want to get married until we could do more for the Lord together than we could separately. But will it ever happen if I keep going about it differently than others? I was fighting this out with God on the beach a while ago late at night, when I felt Him whisper these words I quote so often across my heart. If you want more, more is required of you. And as far as a relationship and future husband go, I do want more.


Most days, I am fine being single. I have done it thus far, and I am pretty good on a lonely night. But then, every once in a while, there are days where I let being surrounded by beautiful, flirty, girls that always get the guy, get to me. I wouldn't say I am ugly ever, but I certainly am not a beauty queen or the girl that turns guys heads when she walks in a room. And I prefer it that way, who knows what I would've ended up like? But it would be nice sometimes. And then these doubts that are screaming so loudly in my head might shut up for a little.

I have even found it increasingly difficult to pray for my future husband because I feel like he may not exist and I am putting hope in that fact by planning on it. I want to be focusing right now on become a woman who will be the kind of wife who blesses her husbands life. I want to focus on becoming a woman that is fitting for the kind of man I want to marry, someone who is a good match for them. I don't want to set myself up for disappointment by banking on something that isn't going to happen though. So many of my dreams are wrapped up in a family. This is why it is such a scary thing for me to have faith and trust God with this. After that night on the beach, I committed it to God. I want who He has for me, and nothing else. I am totally fine if the only person I ever date is who I marry. I'm also fine if it isn't. But I just want what He has for me and nothing less, even if that means singleness. So I gave it to Him and committed to not manipulate, but let Him bring it about if it is going to happen. But it is so close to my heart, it is hard sometimes, and I worry about it. I need to let go.

I either believe God or I don't. I either believe He is who He says He is and He will do what He says He will, or I don't. None of this, I believe in God and then worry about everything, business. In a world of grays, this is incredibly black and white. If He says He loves me and has the best for me if I am just willing to let Him do it, and follow Him, then HE DOES. If that means singleness for the rest of my life, than that is the best for me. And I can't doubt that. I have to have faith. i have to trust. Why is it so difficult for me to trust Him who created my heart and all its desires, with the responsibility of fulfilling my heart and its desires? Sounds silly when I put it like that. And it is ridiculous. Never have I looked back on my life and reflected on a time where I totally gave control to God and trusted Him completely, and regretted it. I have never looked back and seen the whole process and result and thought to myself, shoot, I could have done that better and I wish it had gone different. I have never once regretted it. Hasn't He proved His faithfulness enough? I am ridiculous to doubt or worry.

For now, in this period of singleness, future husband or not, I have Someone who if I let Him, will always fill my heart. There is a verse in Ephesians 5 that says to not be drunk with wine but be filled with the Spirit... The Spirit fills. It says so right there. In Ephesus, they were people given to wine and drunkeness. In this case, I might be a woman given to worrying about relationships, but it says for me to be filled with the Spirit instead. I think a lot of what hinders that, is my not letting the Spirit fulfill me. Let me explain that last sentence better. I think the battle for being content and filled, lies more in the choice to let Him fill me than I realize.

This is what has been on my heart lately, and I know it is a lot of me contradicting myslef. Beautiful ladies, I know, especially if you are single, this is probably a topic that is close to your heart. And if you have made it all the way here, and read all that, I'm impressed, that was a lot of rambling, but I would love to hear if you guys have any thoughts, verses, quotes, or wisdom on the subject?