unsatisfied, striving, and waiting.

Today I am restless. It has been this way for the better part of the last few weeks. I go to a wonderful private Chrisitian University. I have some of the most incredible friends I could ask for. My family is as good as it gets. I have had a heart for the Lord personally since I was in elementery school. I am not incredibly wealthy, but I am always taken care of. I have so many blessings, countless. I am surrounded. Yet unsatisfied, and restless is how I feel. I think reading the Chapman family blogs and the concert on Friday brought it to light even more. I want more. This year the Lord has taken me deeper and on experiences I didn't forsee. I am convinced there is nothing, nothing better than spending a day walking with the Lord, in His presence and love, all day long. It is a battle to get to that place and it is oppossed but worth the fight.
I have felt the Lord pull away. I read His word and things are encouraging. But it still feels skin deep. I can sense that something is missing. I mean those words are LIFE! I can't recall the verse that states exactly that at the moment but I know it's truth. I read them and they are not alive to me. More than black and white, but not living and breathing and operating in me. There is more than this. As I often do when it comes to matters of the Lord, I called my parents searching for their wisdom. It became clear that the Lord wants something from me. I have let something get in the way. I feel like I can't see, hear, or feel Him. I am going through the motions instead of it being a reaction to His love and person. Dead works. I feel so aware of my condition, or lack of awareness, and inability to change. I know I lack dillegence, I am self absorbed, disorganized, irresponsible, and prideful. I have so many other character flaws, and I need to work on time and money management too. I am desperate to be close to the Lord again, to walk with Him, feel His hand over me, and have everything else fall away. I need His light to show me what needs to change. I want to be fully given to the Lord. I am wasting my time on things that don't matter, and spending money on things that don't satisfy. I can't let go of the pull of the world and the weight of what is holding me captive. And I am too blind to recognize it for what it is.
Precious Jesus, reveal Yourself to me. Pray for me, for His will to be done above all else, and for my submitting and humbling and letting go. I have so many hopes and dreams that are growing by the day. I need Him to build and prepare me. I want to not miss a thing and gain every ounce so I can be prepared for the ministry He has for me. I need Him. Wanting more requires more. Jesus, have Your way in me. And at the same time I feel guilty for not being satisfied and for being frustrated because He has given me so much and nothing huge or devastating has necessarily happened. I need Jesus, and I need prayer.
blessings, hannah michelle