my current train of thoughts...

Less than two weeks left of school. That space of time will mostly be filled with worrying about school work and studying for finals. While I have an evening that I will clearly spend procrastinating further, I’m taking the opportunity to do a new found hobby, reflecting and organizing my thoughts in a new post.

Well, I did it. I told some people about it and I’m hoping most won't end up reading it, or just forget about it altogether. It’s one of those things where I regretted it pretty quickly. It feels less safe that way, and as I’ve already stated, I don’t really like sharing stuff that is actually personal or close to my heart even if it seems insignificant to other people, it might be to me. And most of what I write, people probably won’t really care about knowing anyway.

This past year has been pretty…interesting? Not really sure what adjective best fits, but that one doesn’t do it justice. Moving out and starting college are pretty big steps. I feel like most people around me think they are completely independent and adults. I still feel like a slightly more independent than I was before, kid. I do depend on my parents still, and I live in a really safe area, in a close knit community, on a Christian campus. How’s that for life in “the real world”. I'm sure it's coming. Love it. My friends here make it priceless. I have found my inner nerd and truly enjoy learning and school. Now if I was only more disciplined in class and with homework so I wouldn’t feel so guilty and want to retake classes I just took at the end of every semester knowing I could have gotten more out of it. Maybe that has something to do with the cost and how it isn’t just me making the financial sacrifice but my parents and others are investing in my future and education as well.
I sometimes wish I was completely independent, living and struggling on my own, living in an apartment with friends, driving around a piece of junk car, struggling to balance my time between school , double shifts, and having somewhat of a social life. But I know I’ll be doing that for the rest of my life. I want to make the most of these next threes years. Gain as much as I can while still having the wonderful resources of some financial help from my generous family and being able to still call a room in my parent’s house ‘home’. It has definitely been a year of growing up. Lots of challenging and stretching experiences. Lots of times being in environments that touch the very core of my insecurities and deep rooted fears making me own up to what I claim I believe. Lots of being brought through the 'process.' very painful, but very good. Praise the Lord.
My senior year of high school, I read a devotional that talked about God calling you to do things you are passionate about. They also talked about how the need is not necessarily the call. I know my passion is for the hearts of teenagers. Encouraging…mentoring… something along those lines. Being an English major with a minor in Religion and Sociology will hopefully allow me to teach at a Christian High School and be my means to an end. I want to do that, and be a wife and mother. But lately, my dreams are growing. I went to a 30 hours of prayer thing at my school, and someone…prophesied in prayer?...over me. I think that is the right word or phrase. *laugh* it was one of those few times where I become fully aware that I go to an Assembly of God, Pentecostal, school. And some folks are a little more charismatic than others. This experience was slightly more charismatic. Situations like that, I know are biblical in the correct context, and I tend to just pray to sense what the Spirit is saying. All else fails, it is good to appreciate the hearts of those involved. In this particular case, one of the things the person praying over me prayed for was dreams. And Recently, things have been put on my heart and I have become more passionate about several things, or just hope to do them someday. I assumed it was referring to the visions in the night sort of thing. Maybe they are linked, maybe not. Either way. I really have had impressed upon my heart the things that follow and am excited to see what the Lord does with one or all of them. In the order they pop into my head they are as follows:

1. I still very much want to work with high school aged kids (somewhere around there anyway)

2. Get married of course, and be in ministry with my husband. I want something more from it than just being married and having kids. I want to get married when the both of us can do more for the Lord together than we could if we were single.

3. I want to have a big family. I think one of the best investments you can make, one of the most valuable and priceless things a person can leave behind in this world, is having raised children that stand for the Lord and know and love Him. That is truly leaving behind something that matters. It’s the ripple effect, who knows how many people will be touched because of them. Thank You Lord for my godly heritage passed down from my grandparents. I am truly a blessed girl.

4. I want my home to be a safe house. I want to be the go-to mom. For my kids and their friends. I want the open door policy where if people need to get away, someplace to stay, talk, hang out, be fed, or have fun, my house is the place to be. If something is going on, I want them to feel totally comfortable sitting on my bar stool at my counter pouring out their hearts while I feed them fresh cookies (momma’s recipe. My momma’s are the best!) and of course milk from our endless supply J. I want to be able to encourage them and give them sound advice and share the Lord’s hear t with them. Pretty much, just taking care of them.

5. I really want to adopt. I want me some brown, chocolate, and Asian babies (not racist, it just sounds more affectionate that way...to me anyway). There are so many little guys out there that need good homes, right here in the U.S. too. I want to give a few a home. I also want to maybe do something with foster care as long as it doesn’t endanger my children. My fear in this particular dream is my financial stability. I don’t want my kids to feel financially burdened or have to worry about money. I want a larger family only if financially able. But maybe that is being selfish and not reliant on the Lord. I’m still figuring out how exactly I feel about that.

6. Basically I am passionate about kids that don’t get to grow up in a safe and healthy environment. Hurts my heart and I want to help. I think working at Casa De Esperanza ( battered women's shelter) in Mexico over spring break really stirred this up.

7. Human trafficking. The thought of selling kids and girls into prostitution makes me physically sick to my stomach and if I can do anything to help stop it I want too.

8. This isn't exactly a dream...just something I care about. I have a huge heart for the United States military and for those who have served or are serving our country. A quick way to make me lose all respect for you and make me not like you very, very, very much is to bash or be disrespectful of our troops. War movies fascinate and interest me, and break my heart. I take them really personally and bawl my eyes out. I think they are hard to stomach but necessary to watch so we aren’t ignorant about our history and the sacrifices made to attain our freedom and blessings we take for granted daily. Yes, we could read about it and learn in History class a lot more accurately than Hollywood’s portrayals but movies make it come to life and captivate and audience that would never read a book about it or learn about it otherwise. I think they are necessary to watch and I plan on making it a family tradition in my future house to watch one every July 4th and memorial and veteran’s day. ( I am my father's daughter)

9. I want to travel. I want to see around the world, but more than that, the United States. I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else. I hope that before I settle down, I can just go live in random cities all over the U.S. with some friends. Just move whenever we want to wherever we want at some random job in a restaurant or whatever else to make ends meet and just experience living in different parts of the country. Preferable outside of California, and never Massachusetts or Delaware, or a few others. Texas and the south are pretty high on my list. So is somewhere where I can experience a real spring and a real fall. Not the fake three week kind.

10. I want to do WYAM

11. I hope, unrealistic I know, to live in a small town city that is pretty safe, good community and very country. I want the small town, heart of America, sort of living that Norman Rockwell would and did paint. And I want to live near my brothers so we can raise our kids together like we grew up close to the Thomas boys.

For now, those are my humble dreams. Talking to a bunch of friends whose dreams and hopes for the future are so much grander, I realize mine are quite simple for the most part. Nonetheless, they are close to my heart.

I’m thankful for this past year, my school, and my life. I truly do love it. Each day I get to get up, learn, study, and be with people that I love. I’m excited for my future and to see where God takes it. In four years, my life will be completely different and I haven’t the faintest idea of what it will hold or where I will be. What an adventure! Life is truly and open book right now. It is so easy to get caught up in only focusing on the future and what I want to do with my life. College is sort of all about that. The goal is graduation and a career after. But like all other things in life, the commonly quoted line fits it well, happiness is found along the way, not at the end of the road. At a concert I went to, the singer said that there are only two days that truly matter, today and when we meet Jesus face to face. I don't want to get so caught up in the future that I miss the joys along the way and what He has for me today. I want to soak up everything along the way and learn as much as I can in the process of reaching the 'goal'. Every trial, every relationship, every environment, situation, roommate, etc. I want to embrace them all and gain every little thing I can along the way. Lord prepare me.

Life is good, God is good, can’t complain.