Seeking and Waiting

My last post was meant to be an intro to this one, but I didn't want it to get too long so I made it two. Probably a futile attempt, I am an English major after all *smile*. Shoot, this doesn't have spell check and now I just set the standard for where my grammar should be. It all seems to go out the window when I am on the internet. I'll blame hours upon hours of AOL and it's slang when I was in Jr. High. Anyways, here is the update....

Mostly, it is more of the same as the last week. I know God is with me, but I don't feel the close fellowship and I don't feel His word being living and operative in me. I thought I was doing better, It got easier to not fully focus on, especially when hanging out with my group of friends. It's hard not to be in a good mood when they're around. They tend to just snap me out of any funk I'm in. But my closest of the group told me yesterday I still don't seem okay, that I'm still distant or hurting. She's right. I don't want to become content with this new normal. I want to keep seeking with the urgency of gaining what the Lord is intending for me in this experience. I don't want it to go away until He has gained what He wants, ALL of what He wants. It would be easy to just accept it. I also need to find the balance of waiting on the Lord. Waiting for Him to come to my rescue, not to look to the world for vain help, and also to rest in the fact the Lord is in control of all this and the timing. Trying to find the balance between not giving in, fighting to gain, and seeking the Lord diligently while waiting and resting has been interesting. Here are a few nuggets that have encouraged me the past week.

1. I read Mike Donehey's lastest blog on the Tenth Avenue North site and it was good. It was about Jesus healing the deaf and mute man in Mark 7 I think 31-37? It was really good, and after studying it a bit more, it became my prayer and desire. Jesus had already been through that area and in His ministry for a while. He was well known at this point, and His capabilities to heal made him more than a little popular. Crowds followed Him everywhere. People brought the lame, sick, deaf, blind, mute, and so on, from everywhere. So this deaf and mute man really wasn't a big deal. Jesus could have healed him by doing anything, word of mouth, quick touch, thinking it, whatever. It could have been done quickly without 'wasting' any time of His or slowing Him down to wherever He was headed. But no, instead Jesus took this man AWAY from the crowd (I imagine that took more than a bit of effort) and touched him, sighed over him, PUT HIS SALIVA on the guys tongue. Talk about personal. This man was not just healed by Jesus. He had and intensly personal experience with the Saviour of the world. THAT...is what I want. I don't want to just be healed, I want to have that kind of experience with the Lord. I want to know Him like that. Face to face, feel His breath, sense His mood, see His heart in action, feel His hands on me, even taste His spit. Lord may it be so.

2. God has bounds of treasure, but like anything else of actual value, it costs something. He paid most of the price just to be able to offer it, and He did most of the work, but He still requires something. Proverbs 25:1 says something like," It is the glory of God to conceal a matter and the glory of kings to search it out. " Think about it, He spoke in parables, the pearl of great price, the wise/foolish virgins, Jacob wrestling God and then having to make Him stay until He blessed him. The Lord is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. But we have to seek Him to get that reward. It requires some effort on our part. Wanting more requires more. I want the more, but I don't even know how to give up or pay the price. the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. I want to seek and fight to see what He is concealing, I want to know the answer to this riddle or parable in my life. And I can try and read more, pray more, etc, but ultimately all I can do is keep my heart soft and be in His word and fellowship and just wait and rest.

and so I wait...