Bryan 2012

Spring break. Not exactly as I expected it. Got sick and stayed home and ended up sleeping/eating/watching TV and doing nothing else, and I mean nothing, for 5 days straight. Finally alive again. I needed that though. I don't think I knew how few cylinders I was actually running on. I'm talking three naps a day and an 11 hour night. Ridiculous. Over double what I normally get.

It was good to have alone time to sit and think and process. I've got a better perspective on a lot of things and it's always good to think back over all the things God has been telling me lately.

Next week I more likely than not meet with the director of government housing in Bryan (one of the poorest cities in the US and 10 min from A&M) to begin the process of getting two apartments next door to each other, one for guys, one for girls. Jesus what are You going to do? Scared. Nervous. Hesitant. Skeptical. All of the above and more at one time or another. But I am confident. Excited to see how God uses those apartments for His glory, to bring people to Him, and to give a safe refuge for people who need it. So I take a step in faith and trust Him to make it all fall together, or all fall apart. Whatever He has, that's what I want.

Not how I expected to live my senior year of college. Not even sure what to expect or if I have a heart for this ministry completely. But this is what I do know. I don't believe God uses really adequate people with huge skill sets. At least those aren't qualifiers. I think that maybe the disciples and Katie Davis and Hudson Taylor etc were not insanely specially gifted people. I think they just were willing. And I think they just said yes. And these past few months the blinders have come off, or begun too. So much of American christianity sits in contrast to the words Jesus spoke and to the commands He gave us and things He told us to do to follow Him.

I don't want a husband, career, 2.5 kids in a house outside of town. I thought I did. But more and more, I just want to say yes. Whatever that looks like, whatever that costs. All in. I don't want to build my house while His lies in ruin. If I am His, if my life is hidden with Christ, then shouldn't I live like He lived? My time, resources, efforts, money, house, car, relationships...shouldn't they all be about His glory and loving Him best and then one another? A life poured out. That's what I want. Why would He send a Comforter to comfortable people? Probably because they weren't going to be comfortable.

I'm not trying to go look for ways to make my life hard or put myself in suffering situations. Poverty next to godliness is not my theology. Do I know how to integrate everything He is showing me perfectly? No idea. But for months I've been rationalizing. For months I've been searching for loopholes and excuses. And I've come to this conclusions:

Maybe I don't know exactly what it all looks like...living all in, living like Jesus in College Station, right now. But I do know that living focused on my safety, comfort, and personal gain and preference is not what it looks like. I do know that He spent a lot of time with the disregarded and outcast of the community. I do know there is a huge need for people to stand in the gap for the kids of Bryan. I do know that a refuge house for my friends made a huge difference when their houses were not safe. So here we go. Because I don't want to wait until I have a husband or career or graduate to say yes. I want to say yes now. Right here. I don't want His words to fall to the ground or be lost on me. I don't want to take them lightly.

I've prayed about this a lot. A lot a lot. And every podcast I listen to, message I sit through, book I read, and on and on supports it. Then I read about not just being a hearer of a word, but a doer. Then I read, Why do you call me Lord if you do not do as I ask. Then I read Jeremiah 1 and Isaiah 58 and decided to stop ignoring the obvious. Then when we met to pray together some random guy walked across the street and interrupted us and asked to pray for us and proceeded to pray over us for 15 minutes plus every verse, fear, heart, and idea we had over us. Literally. I have confirmation.

Stepping out in faith and offering my five loaves and two fish. Wonder where this all will go. Trusting Him to open doors nobody can close and close doors nobody can open.

That's the vague version anyway. Of course there is many more details to all of this. BUT, nothing is for sure yet. Just taking steps in the direction He is leading. We shall see. Please pray for it all if it's on your heart though. We'd appreciate it more than you know. Completely inadequate and lacking on every level for something like this. Completely. BUT God's work never lacks His supply, huh? And if I can't live poured out for Him in college then I doubt there is hope for me when I get married and "settle down."

Reckless abandon. Huzzah.