Random Thoughts & Processes at 2 a.m.

I don't know that I've felt this alive in a long time.

I want to do the right thing. In every area of my life. On a bad day, that's a lot of pressure and a lot of failure. It looks a lot like non-stop guilty in every area of your life for not being more and doing better. It invites striving. It makes everything about you and turns your eyes inward.

I'm slowly learning to let go. Letting go and not being in control frees me to enjoy life and enjoy Him. Find joy in the world. Find joy in the things I love and in doing those realizing you can learn a whole lot about the Father and His heart and what He loves too. It's a good thing to intentionally, passionately, and fully be who He designed you to be, without apologies and on purpose.

God's messing with my life again. Throwing hedges. (Psalms 139) Boxing me in. Allowing things in my life that shed away the coverings laying me bare. It's good to be exposed. Exposure reveals what is hidden and allows Light and Light brings healing in His wings.

Last weekend ended up being the perfect storm of events to reveal a lot of hidden places and allow for exposure.

I'm so thankful for God who cares and deals with me so personally.

Walk in Him. Be thankful. And See Him. I think these are the keys to life.

Walk in Him. Not my own self righteousness. Not the law. Not striving. Not working harder, doing more, being better. Walk in who He is and what He has already finished. In every area of my life.

Being thankful. In every circumstance. For everything. It makes me pray. It makes me touch God. It makes me look for Him. It allows me to SEE things in a whole different Light and slowly I am realizing it might change everything. My heart and my life.

I am beginning to trust myself less. And it's sweet. And as I lose confidence in my own abilities and strength, I'm slowly getting to know Him better because not trusting myself requires me to sink deeply in Him.


This semester is preparing me for the next one. There is a whole lot of seeking happening. Prayerful baby steps. Begging Him to come through and light the way and make straight the rough places and establish steps. Next semester there is a real possibility I will learn exactly what a life poured out means. Inadequate on every level. Scared. Dangerous. Different. Unsure. I could go on.....but I'd rather risk it all than live a safe life spent on comfort and myself.

And as Katie Davis put it, "But what if...just beyond that risk, just beyond the fear is a life better than anything we have imagined. Life to the fullest."

I moved half way across the country because i ran away from safety and expectations. I wanted more. And He is doing just that.

When I was a little girl, He set me free from death and gave me Jesus Christ. At 21, He is setting me free from the chains I have chosen to let bind me.

I sit here, in the wee hours of the day...often my favorite, the whole world and house stills and I can be.....twinkle lights on, sitting on my brightly colored quilt, and I pray. And I write. And i find Him.

After this semester a lot of things could be changing. But I am not there. I am here. So I find Him here. And I fix my eyes on Him here. He will get me there. I don't have to worry about getting there or how or why. I fix my eyes on Him today, walk in Him today, and He will do it. "Commit your way to Him, trust in Him, and He will act."

I think it's funny how as I learn to fear Him, I begin to understand His love and strength better than ever before.

Community...having people who love you but aren't impressed, whose relationships with God you trust, and being completely honest and exposed to them....THAT is a life line. Thankful for those He has stacked around me.

Favorites of this week:
1. Learning to seek Him continually throughout the day
2. Practicing thankfulness and prayer
3. Elizabethtown soundtrack
4. Impact camp
5. Switching up my workout every time so I hurt at least some after every time
6. Eggs in toast after said workout.
7. Biking 2 miles home on Spring days
8. Having long conversations with God alone in a dry and warm tent on the beach as it POURED rain outside.
9. Being taught to fish by a slow talking, tattooed, Psych major who told me his story, held nothing back, made no excuses, and taught me a lesson in grace.
10. Watching prayers answer and growing in trust in His character and Person.