Many days are wasted by just trying to get through. Maybe just trying to get through and do well. They are consumed with to do lists and things we have put off until the last minute, which is now. And sleep is fit in when it can be and mindless entertainment around that. And people. And then there are those days where you are snapped out of that daze. And you realize that life is short and costly. Important. Sacred even. And you've been so caught up in what's been going on and juggling your commitments and life in general that sometimes it takes having all of it hang in balance to remember where you truly are. Who you truly are. What you are becoming. Where you are going. Important questions like that that actually matter and are easily lost in the background noise of daily life.

Today I was woken up from my daze. It felt familiar. It took me back to that hot summer day after my freshmen year of college when I drove home from Mt. View realizing my whole world just started spinning another direction. It reminded me of a few weeks after that praying as I walked from the office to the scale house. And even a few months later on that August night on my roof looking up at the stars and giving my whole life to the Lord. Today, and yesterday really, my world shifted. Things I didn't question I do now. And once more, I have absolutely no idea where I am going or what I am doing. In my mind it's this mental picture. I'm me, but a more childlike version. Think pink gelly shoes and bobbi socks. Hair up in a high pony, bouncing as I move. The ground is grassy and there are stone steps leading down a path that I can't see because a thick fog blocks my view. And with every step I take I have to leap a little. And with every step I take my view expands just enough to see the next stone.

I don't know the right balance between being responsible and trusting, but I'm caught in the tension between the two. And part of my heart says do what you are passionate about. Your skills are not obvious but your heart is. Learn what you love and do it well. Get a degree and trust Him to provide. Sharpen the things He has already given you a heart for. But my mind quickly counters with the need to be wise. With the need to have a means of survival in rough economic times or if tragedy strikes. With the importance of having a means of supporting my family and ability to do so if the need should present itself. I think about the little black face in my future. And all of the other ones, looking up at me and trusting me to provide for them. They are worth fighting for. And if I do what I love and learn what I want and study what I am passionate about, chances are I will not easily find a job that supports that. Maybe not just easily...but at all. And yes, He is in control and He will provide. But never do I want to lean on those as I throw prudence, wisdom, and knowledge to the wind in my dreamlike state of oblivion.

Two years ago I was in the Cove on a Wednesday night listening to the Sunshine service (MAN I cannot even remember if that is the right name...). It was a middle of the week night worship service held in the student lounge area. I remember walking outside and reading a bit and for the third time that day stumbling across two phrases. "I am in her midst" sometimes it was, "I am in your midst" and also "I will bless (or strengthen) the work of your hands." Both of these come across my mind and heart today and are called to memory.

Here is what I do know. Once again I am caught in the tension. My plans, they fail again. My well thought out plan keeps getting disrupted. So I'm taking inventory and I'm going to seek His face. And it's moments like this when my world starts shifting and spinning another way that I am most content. It's because in these moments I can't. I can't anything. And I get to watch Him can. And He does. And it's comforting because I know for sure He is so intimately acquainted with me and so intricately involved and invested in my life. So no, I cannot give you a five year plan. A two year plan. Even a one year plan. Anything past summer is beyond me. But I can tell you this. That I gave Him everything. And He took it. And long before that night He gave Himself to win me. And He has never failed me. And He has come through for me every. single. time. And He has proved Himself faithful and good. Always.

And at the end of the day, even the tilty-shifty ones, I am His and He is mine. And nothing about that will ever shift. And everything else besides that will come together in His timing and doing if I keep my eyes on His kingdom and His righteousness.

He is in my midst. And He will bless the work of my hands. What have You made these hands to do? Where is the next stone? And give the the confidence to jump.