He loves me.

Brad Bell is taking us (the Well) through a series on Song of Solomon. Man I love hearing that man talk about relationships from a biblical standpoint. If you count me listening to Jon's podcasts from Joshua, him hitting it in Residency back in...September?...then this is my third go round with SOS from Brad Bell. So good. I feel like it speaks worth and validation into my life. Like I'm not crazy for doing relationships the way I do them. Anyway that is besides the point. This past Sunday's section was on the portion where they are getting married and right leading up to it. I'd heard it before and although I expected it to be good...I was not expecting to really get anything out of it I hadn't already. Maybe just be reminded of things and look at things to work on now to help later. But man oh man.

One of the things he hit on was the different roles of a man and woman, how they complement each other, and what things each needs from each other. It was all really really good. Challenging yes, but really good. A verbal sucker punch for passive guys and aggressive/needy/low standard girls. More like a few. I have had the insane blessing of watching an incredible marriage my whole life. I talked to my momma the next day and she said she was sitting there listening just nodding and thanking the Lord because my dad was every single one of those things to her all through their marriage and especially recently. I grew up with a whole lot of family security. Anyway, I was looking over the list of needs a woman has from her husband...needs him to lead, spiritually as well...provide and security...speak tenderly to her and affirm his love again and again....honor and cherish her....etc. Wow it all sounded so much better in my notes, I'll have to go look them up and rewrite this.

So I was sitting there as he recapped the main points wrapping up his sermon, just looking over my notes and the part about what a woman needs from her husband and just thinking to myself, "Wow. It would be so easy to submit to someone like that. So easy to be their biggest cheerleader ever and follow them anywhere." I was also considering what a good match for a man like that meant when I felt Him speak to me and tell me that He was all those things to me. I am a very literal person when it comes to hearing God speak. I like it to be as tangible as possible, straight from a message, straight from the bible, or three times in a row, just so I can be absolutely sure I didn't conjure up this "speaking" myself. I definitely think I limit the Lord a lot in that way of how I let Him speak to me. "He who has ears let him hear" and all that. So I'm sitting there just glancing over my notes, appreciating his message, when I hear the Lord tell me he really was all those things to me. It was like I couldn't breath fro a second. I looked over my notes again in a different light and as I reviewed each point, numerous memories of the last two weeks came to mind of Him proving Himself in all those things just in the past two weeks! My eyes get a little teary. I read the two passages he spoke out of again, Ephesians 5 and Peter. It talked about Him cherishing and nourishing and giving up His life for His bride and just on and on and on. I lost it. Like really lost it. Thankfully he was praying by that point and the lights dimmed and the band started playing. But of course it was the sweetest most tender song ever and then quickly followed by "How He Loves Us." I just sat in my chair, head down just crying and crying. My friends were just looking at me like I was crazy wondering how in the world that message hit me so hard.

He loves me. I am His beloved. He died because He loves me and wants me. He delights in me simply because I am His. He is jealous for me. He yearns for me. He created me because He desires me and has a plan for me. He fights for me. He provides for me. He gives me the sweetest gifts. I have the ability to please Him. To bring Him delight. He speaks tenderly to me. He draws me. He protects me. He sings over me.

On and on and on. And I miss this so often. I wonder how much that must hurt Him who gave up everything for me to not fully believe His love for me. His delight for me. It is still a touch and go thing. Hard for me to accept and get. How could He? I just don't get it. But Sunday, at least for a little bit, I did. I just wish that was something I could really really get more permanently. The fact He doesn't just love me because it's His nature, but because He wants me. I think that;s it. I believe He loves me, but almost because He can't help it. I have a hard time believing He wants me. Desires me. Actually is delighted by me. I mean really, why? I just want to please the Man.