It's been an interesting week. Not really sure where this will go but we shall see.

God's been doing things in me this month. The pull for more is there. More of Him. More of a relationship with Him. More out of life. He's been speaking to me a bunch of things that I don't have complete clarity on. Mostly I just know He is speaking. So I'm writing it down and wondering what it all means. And my heart is being wrecked more for truly living as a follower of Christ, living as if I believe the gospel is IT. He is IT.

I called Sunday at the very end of the cut off to pull my application as cochair. A position in my organization that i ADORE and really want. It would put me in leadership and prime situation to disciple, lead leaders, and partner in ministry with my closest community. The problem is there was a check in my spirit and a realization that my next semester would look like cochair, school, and work, and just trying to make it with all those things. And although i want that badly, I want Him more. Not saying the two must be competitive, just saying I realize in my life they would be to a point.

Yes, God would do incredible things and grow me and use me and be glorified. But it felt like holding back to me for whatever reason. So I walked away from it. And I'm still not completely sure why. And I walked away from my closest community here, or at least significantly cut back my time with them. I won't be seeing much of them next semester. It hurts, which sounds pathetic, but is true. My heart is there.

But here is what I want more. I know God is bigger, more personal, and more powerful than I know Him to be. I know in my head all these things and attributes of Him. But I want to experience them. I want to pray and watch things happen and be a part of it. I want HIM to fill my hands with His work. I want to hear Him and recognize His voice and heart because I've spent time with Him. Basically, I feel like He has something else, and above doing like Martha, I want to choose the good part like Mary and not have it be taken away from me. There are enough Christians that are doing work for Him that do not know Him. I do not want to contribute to that. I want to KNOW Christ. I want to KNOW His resurrection in me. I want to pray and hear and see. I want my heart to be wrecked with things that wreck His. I want my heart to be His. And I want my life to reflect His.

Time for change.

In other news, it's funny how when you pray all day, or try too, everything is just better and sweeter. He is just better. Not sure where all this is going. Or what my future looks like, but I know He holds it and I want Him.