This time last week I was sitting on the floor of Caleb's living room, gripping the hands of two girls I didn't know before they walked in his door, and praying my heart out while tears kept on rolling. Tonight, Pierce is being transferred to Baylor's rehab center and is no longer in ICU. Praise the Lord. For answered prayers. For His plan. For being glorified. For using us despite ourselves. For who He is.

I spent most of the last two days in a frenzy of worry and freak out. Oh hey money issues. I seriously retain nothing I learn. I bought my SEVENTEEN textbooks this semester, had to pull cash from my next semester savings and am now freaking out again over not knowing how I'm going to pay for next semester. And freaking out about how my enjoying college opportunity just flew out the window as now I have to once again work every free moment in order to catch up.

I remember reading in the gospels and being so frustrated by the disciples reactions sometimes. How carnal minded they were when situations arose that put things in question. How self focused and narrow sighted they were when Jesus asked them to do something they couldn't. DID YOU NOT JUST SEE HIM FEED 5000 MEN! Were you distracted when He healed the sick and lame? Every time? Were you not paying attention? WERE YOU NOT THERE?? How long have you been following this man, living life with Him, spending time with Him, watching Him work? And STILL you have no idea who you are with. Still when things out of your control happen or are entrusted to you, you act as if it is all up to you and you can't make it happen.

You can't. He can. THAT IS THE POINT. Have faith. Trust the One you are with. Stick with Him and you are good to go. He is with you so what can possibly touch You or be done to you? Nothing. Nothing He doesn't allow. And if He allows it, than it is best. And if He asks you to do something. He will make a way.


And here I am. ONE WEEK after watching God answer prayers and preserve Pierce's life. One week filled with conversations about being all in for Christ, representing Him well on campus, living for more than self and the American dream, dealing with bitterness and doubt and old wounds reopened. We prayed a lot together this last week. We praised Him together a lot this last week. We watched Him move. And we know Him better because of it.

One week later and I am freaking out. I got put back into a position of need and uncertainty. And just like the disciples, all confidence in the One I am with goes out the window. Because it's all up to me, and I can't. And I act like He is not with me. I act like He is not for me or in control or good. I act like He isn't a God who does extraordinary things and to who all things submit to. I forget everything He has done and who He is and place all confidence and security in my ability to come through.

I refuse. I refuse to waste this year worrying about how to make it all happen and come together. I refuse to let stress and money as my god steal my joy and enjoyment of this life, my surroundings, and most importantly my joy and enjoyment of my God. Worrying chokes out the seeds planted. Isn't that what the parable said? The cares of this world? Meganointa. May it never be.

I don't really know how. I don't know how to trust and rely and let go and have full confidence in Him. I don't know how to feel at rest knowing I've done what He wants and requires and it is enough, He has got it. I don't know how to steward well work and school and what responsibility is versus letting it control me. I don't know how to handle this and I know I can't and won't without worrying.

But I know my God is bigger than my tendencies. He is bigger than my tuition and fees. He is bigger than my fears and worries. And HE is with me. He is for me. He will never leave me nor forsake me so that I may boldy say, "what can man do to me?" (Heb 10 or 13:10..soemthing like that).

Point being, I am doing the same thing the disciples did and I don't want that to be the story of this year. I refuse. Lord, helo me.

It's going to be a hard year. Difficult classes. But I'm going to learn a lot. And I am excited. All English and History classes. Good professors. I think why I was so disappointed was because I enjoy this school so much and my friends and being involved and resting and being a kid again that I hate that it was taken away. But I don't need financial security to enjoy life. I shouldn't anyway. I've decided being grateful and choosing joy > worrying and gripping the allusion of control.

We shall see. I need Him a lot.