Like usual I've been battling guilt of not being enough and doing enough and gripping control. Rest is good. He meets me where I'm at every time :) Maybe they're baby steps, but they're progress.

I also forgot how big of a deal A&M is. It's a REALLY good school. Maybe the hick aspect of it makes me forget the quality of education I am getting. But the workload of my classes is quick to remind me. Had a talk with one of my tables about how to get her son here from out of state. She threw a bunch of stats about how difficult it is to get in as an out of state resident let alone a transfer from out of state. Near impossible unless you are a genius. Or apparently unless God wants you here...Whoop! Equivalent of a UC in Cali but there are only two in this state. Already I have written easy 9 papers and read around 400+ pages of textbooks a week. Niceeee. Oh hey English upper levels. Learning balance. Learning rest. Learning to do things through Him.

It's been a battle to not freak out over the work load. And battling guilt when I take off work to study or sleep instead of study at night etc. Ridiculous, but it's there. But it's all good.

Read http://kopjecrest.blogspot.com/ this this past week and it LIT ME UP. Go read it. Love it. Be inspired. You're welcome.

I don't want any of this. The world drugs you into thinking it's all about you and this process. Go to school. Do well. Get involved. Work hard. Get married. Have a family. Upgrade your standard of living. Be comfortable. Do things that bring you pleasure. Etc etc etc.

Screw that. I DON'T WANT IT. It's such a sham. And I'm buying into it. Fact: It is not about school and grades. (Yet at the same time all these status's and comments about "grades aren't eternal" are ticking me off because no, they aren't. But it is used as a copout. DO NOT USE God's word as an excuse to be apathetic. Grades? Not eternal. The character developed through being diligent is. It can be used to do His work and build His house. So study. And make good of the investment you've been blessed with. K soapbox done) School and work and making money and making grades are not the point. Recognizing the environment and situation God has me in has eternal value and purpose and submitting it all to His authority is. Right here He is doing something. I don't want to compete with it, I want to contend with Him.

SOOOO I am learning that I do not hold it all together. It is not up to me. THe success and ability to make it all happen, not my job. I am the child, not the Father. The rescued, not the Savior. THe sheep, not the Shephed. And the clay, not the Potter. From Him, through Him, and to Him are all things, for His glory forever. Amen. "God's work, done God's way, will never lack God's supply"-Hudson Taylor. I will not offer burnt sacrifices to the Lord that cost me nothing. In view of His mercies offer this life as a living sacrifice. All in. Heart abandoned. Fully given.

So I go to school. And I wait tables. And I study and write my billionth paper. And I live with my roommates and keep up with my Impact crew. But it's up to HIm. He supplies. All of this is a burnt offering to Him. My whole life, surrendered to His authority to gain Him. Pressure's off because it's not up to me and it's not mine. His deal. And what does that look like? When I lose my grip and view of ownership and instead realize I am just a steward?

It means my day and time aren't mine. It means my house He has given me, my money, my furniture, my car, my food, all of it is not mine. This life is not mine. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me.

So God, take this life and all the resources in my life and use them to do Your work, take care of the needs of Your house and Your people.

I don't know how it will work out or what will happen. But I know I don't want to waste this. And I want everything I am, where I am, to be His, given to do His work.

Lacking in every way, and half hearted at best, but "Here I am. Send me."