Insert mini...k it wasn't mini it lasted a week...Hannah breakdown here. Without taking forever and in posts I'll keep to myself, it revolved a lot around not making enough money or hitting budget and working even more as a solution and STILL not making money and freaking out about school and life and how I'm going to make it etc etc add a financial aid meeting where I was assured I will not get aid besides loans. And all Hannah's plans were unraveling and falling through and school and graduation got pushed back AGAIN etc. And this exhausting season of my life that I am just trying to get through and makie it so I can do what I reaallllyyyy want to do, just got extended. By a lot. And then FINALLY I realized it was God holding back the funds...long story again....and still didn't know what to do, how to let go, or how to steward this season of my life well.

Still have no idea. BUT I'm praying about it. Not as a cop out for not taking action. But as a seek before taking action. Baby steps.

ANYWAY...on to what I actually am processing and needing to write about before bed tonight....I made more than all the other servers tonight that I worked with. And this time last week I would have breathed easier because of it. Tonight I am less sure. In my head I just think that if every shift were like tonight I would be SET. School would be affordable. Living within my means and reaching goals would be plausible. And I could be involved. And even catch a football game. And life would be good. BUT not tonight. Because it's not last week. It's this week. And last week shook me pretty good.

Holding that money in my hand tonight, I just don't know. It seems like the answer. Money. The answer to how to afford school. How to reach my goals. How to have a balanced life. How to be secure. How to be responsible. But it's not. And it is not where Hope is. It's not where my hope is. Money is not my hope to pay for school. And it's easy to view it that way. As the key. The means to the end. But I don't know. There was an uneasiness in me tonight as I drove home.

Don't get me wrong. I am thankful. But there is also this awareness of the fact that HE is my Hope. And He is the means to the end, and the End itself. And there is a fear. A fear of making that my god and supply and where I search for rest.

Truth is...I don't know how to pay for school. I don't know the balance between getting involved and having community and enjoying these years versus being responsible and graduating without debt. I don't know where the priority should be. I don't know where the balance is. I don't know the answers to really any questions about how to steward this season of my life well.

BUT I do know this. My heart is shaky and my trust in Him is shaky at best. But HE and HE alone is going to take care of me, be gracious to me, give me rest, give His beloved sleep, send the rain, make my paths straight, keep me, etc. He is going to make this happen. Not me. And even if I could do it on my own strength and by the sweat of my brow, I just don't want too. It's exhausting, and it's pride, and it's not worth it. It's not worth it if it's not Him. And good thing too because my ability to make this all happen blew up in my face last week. And that may have been the most crushing blow. The realization I can't.

In the words of Mr. Donehey, "May that be a blow to my pride and ignite my heart."

He's got me. Selah.