Realizing some things. And it may sound super prideful. I don't mean it that way. I'm just trying to be honest. Though maybe there is pride in it. There usually is. And I definitely need some growth spiritually. But I have learned again recently the truth that truly following the Lord is lonely.

Not going to church and reading your bible and following the Christian rules. I mean truly following Jesus. Picking up your cross and denying yourself and living under His authority for His glory kind of following Him.

It's because it is offensive to people. Because it is Light. Light offends those who don't want to know they are in the dark. Those who want to be comfortable. Those who don't want to be convicted. The Light shows the way. If people don't want to walk that way they don't like knowing they are supposed too. Light just is there. It fight to be known. It is known and undeniable. When you are under the Lord's authority you don't have to look for ways to show people they are wrong. Just the way you live your life will offend them.

Jim Elliot prayed that the Lord would make Him a fork in the road. That he would be so one with the Lord that when people would run into him they would hit the Lord in Him and have to choose. Follow the Lord or don't.

I love that quote. But I am hating the repercussions of it.

I don't like anything ever not being okay in relationships. But if you are living under the Lord's authority and someone you are in a relationship with is living under their own authority the intimacy of the relationship is distanced because you can't be as close. Because if you are, they will hit the Lord in you and have to make a choice. It's much easier to hold others at arm's reach so you can live in self induced ignorance that a choice has to be made.

I hate distance. I hate watching people walk away. I hate that it affects our relationship. I hate that speaking the truth in love, His truth, is not always accepted. Honestly, I guess I actually hate that the gospel is offensive. And that I don't want to be that light.

But I do. I just hate the consequences. I hate that people might not like you because of it. I want to be liked. But as it says in Galatians 1:10 do I come to serve man of Christ? Because if I am a slave of Christ I wouldn't care about pleasing men. Eh. I have got some work to do.

I really do want to know and love and honor and stand for the Lord. I want His presence and to stand for what He does more than I want to be liked and there always be peace in relationships.

And I'm not sorry. I should be encouraged. I'm just sad.