F-Off Stamp/Dating/His Will

I wonder if I'll end up posting this. Or if this will end up being one of those things I keep close to my heart. One that I don't just throw out there, unless asked. Hmmm.


You know what I was told recently? I have an F-off stamped on my forehead. Like that girl in the bar scene of Hitch. I'm her in the context of interacting with guys. Essentially I give off a very strong impression of "Let's be friends, really good friends even, but don't ever ask me out because I'll say no." My first thought was how the heck do I erase that? And then I wanted this confirmed. So I talked to all of my recent close guy friends who I believe actually know me. Yes. Everyone of them was a confirmation. Then I started asking them how to get that off. I got a wide range of answers. Most of them revolving around flirting more and paying specific attention to guys who I am interested in and would want to be pursued by and making sure they know I am interested, because guys will never ask if they aren't sure there is a chance. By just being friends with them I've ruined my chances.

I almost changed. I almost did it. I started heading that way and thinking about what I'd do differently. And it works. The flirting. Tried it out dancing and with some guys at work. Playful banter anyway. Nobody I'd ever consider dating. Just playful banter. But after processing this further and finally beginning to seek the Lord's opinion....actually, no. I didn't seek His opinion. The thought didn't even cross my mind, that should show you clearly the state of my heart. But He showed up anyway. If I could just tell you, MAN, He has been so faithful and good to me with no response. And I keep not receiving it and, I don't know, He is just so....good. As I was talking to my roommate and friend, those spur of the moment go there discussions that I love late at night, as I was processing out loud He brought with resounding clarity to my remembrance of my freshmen year of college.

Still true Hannah. His word doesn't change. If it was true then, it is now. Even more confirmed when I walked away and handed Vanguard back. I want His way. I want His PERFECT will. The one He intended. The dreams He has for me that are bigger then myself. I don't want what He will allow. It's not His best. It's just what He allows because we are too stubborn to let HIm do more. I don't want to be my own with Him a part of my life. I want to be His and I want Him on the throne and me on the cross. I want my life built around Him and not Him around MY life. I'm all for chasing dreams and being who He made you to be and using the free will He gave you, as long as it is submitted fully and firstly to His authority. I sat on my roof and handed it all. ALL. I was on the beach in Newport and I said, "I want more. So I give it to You and trust You to do it. " I said I don't want to get married until we can do more for the Lord together then we can separately.

I want a country boy and some beautiful babies raised near open fields in a farm house outside of town with a red door. I want a house with open doors and a job that allows me to love on children and show them Jesus. I want to do ministry with my Husband. I want those real bad. At least the husband one. And open door one. The rest is negotiable. Is that wrong? No.

But you know what I want more? Him. And when you choose Him, without holding back, it costs. It's best. But it costs. And when you choose Him, really choose Him (not the kind of live within the proper Christian bonds but make all my own choices kind) your will will cross His. And one must die.

At this point I don't know what the cost of that choice is. Maybe it is my house outside of town and Jesus loving country boy. I guess I'll find out. And as shaky as I was placing my hopes and dreams my little heart so desperately wants in His hands, I know His way is best. And I'll bank on that.

I could flirt a lot and manipulate and put it all out there and play the game with the focus on who is available that I'm attracted to and how can I attract them and get them to like me. I don't necessarily believe it's wrong. And I've seen it work. I've seen it make relationships I am a big fan of. And at times envious of. I could do that and I'd probably find a guy who loves God, will be fun to go through life with, and will probably be a good husband. But I want more then that. More then the house outside of town. More than someone who will be a good husband. I don't want perfection. I don't expect it, despite how this sounds. Far from it. What I want is someone fully given to Jesus. What I want is His best. Fully given looks different.

And using the worlds tactics to manipulate a relationship into being and expecting something divine doesn't seem like the right equation. So I figure my best bet is to let go. Hand it back. Again. Build another alter because I've heard Him again. Not beggin, just asking. Hannah...what will you pick? Will you pick that over me? I have more for you. But you must choose it and not choose the other. I do know I have never given Him something, trusted Him with it, and then regretted it later. And I do worry. Scares the hell out of me. Because I can't do anything. I have to just trust and let go and let Him do it. But then what if it doesn't happen? Because boys don't date girls who don't put themselves out there. Yeah, I know. And like I said, scares the hell out of me.

But as shaky as I am about it all, I'm going to bank on the fact He is capable of bringing me a husband without my help if it's His will. He did make the world in six days after all. And if it's His will and something that will bring Him glory and bless us, then He'll do it. His way, His timing, without my help. In the meantime I'll do exactly what I was told was one of the reasons I intimidate guys and say F-Off, I will run after Him with my whole heart and be about what He is doing in my life and through it. I will keep my eyes solely on Him alone. I have no plans of becoming a nun or not being good friends with guys. I love them. Bring the guy friends on. But I also have no plans of manipulating to get guys attention to look my way twice and please please consider me as a dating option. Hopefully, maybe I'm naive or asking too much, but hopefully whoever he is, if he is at all, will look at my heart and who I am, even as a friend, and go hmmm I like what this girl is about and who she is. Yup, I pick her. I want to date that one and get to know her more and see if it goes somewhere. And hopefully, whoever he is, my being so focused on the Lord will be an attractive quality not an intimidating one.

Here's to hoping.

But I'm not sitting around waiting. I'm genuinely content. And I know where I stand. In the midst of all the chaotic, how do I change, who am I, how do I be more attractive etc....He reminded me of who He is and who I am and what He wants for me. And He gave me perspective even when I didn't ask for it. He's THAT good. And as a result, I have firm footing again. And I am content. More then content to be fully present wherever He has called me now and love Him best and run after Him. Tonight, that means getting off blogging and saving my strong desire to sit in my room and shut off all but my twinkle lights and turn on Owl City and just feel the music and figure out what it means. It means reviewing my notes for another few hours and doing my best in my class and being a good steward of what He has given me. Then it means Breakaway and building solid community. Then Wednesday it means working with purpose at Abuelo's and loving on my coworkers.

Funny how things change when gazes shift. I really like contentment verses striving.

Thanks You Jesus.