"Be gentle with me Jesus as You tear me apart..."

It's a long one...processing a lot again which means I write it out to understand...

And the hedges keep popping up and the walls keep caving in. (Hosea 2 and Ps 139) Is it weird that I feel most loved by the Lord when I am watching Him break me? Or maybe not feel more, just I accept it more easily. It's like I can feel the pruning and refining coming and I just want to sit down and sigh and say, "finally." I have a hard time with grace. But refining and pruning and God putting up walls to break me down so He can get through to me? Oh man I just feel so loved and cherished that He is so intent on my life and growing and developing me. And oh I want it!

In a bible study two years+ ago, a wise friend named miss Lilley Bese said she was praying and got this picture in her head. She was climbing up a mountain and it was really steep but she trudged on, refusing to let her pace be slowed down. Then the things she was carrying started getting really heavy and the path full of jagged rocks. So she doubled her effort and kept going. Then it began raining. She was set on getting to her destination and so full of determination to not let anything keep her from reaching her goal she kept on. Then it began pouring. And she couldn't do it anymore. The path was to jagged and the rocks to sharp, the load was beginning to break her, and the rain was blinding her and causing her to slip. It was to much, and she let go and fell back. But to her surprise, she landed right in the arms of Jesus who told her, "I've been waiting for you to give up and let me carry you the whole time."

I need to let go. But man am I determined. My pastor told me last week in a random conversations through one simple comment I made about wanting to do perfectly on my res test that I strive. I want to earn it. I find worth and value in my accomplishments and had parent's always push me to succeed. Nothing is ever good enough and I am the older brother in the prodigal son and I am a high persister. And that I have a really hard time accepting grace. Um. ouch. And yes on all counts. That annoyingly and thankfully intuitive man. Sheesh. But honestly, I LOVE stuff like that. I love getting called out. I love getting preached to. BUT only from people who I respect. It's harder coming from those who aren't following their own advice or not submitted to Christ and the throne. Pride, yes I know. It shows doesn't it?

Back to I need to let go. Really? Can't I just learn lessons once and retain them? This trend is not my favorite. Not the refining, but the repetition necessary to keep the things gained.

I have this standard I need to be at. I don't think it's so much of me wanting to earn it, more that I want to pay it back. I don't want to be a burden or displease. This relates into every aspect of my life. It's why I hardly ever let my friends take care of me. Or anyone. It's why, to a point, I don't open up to anyone but my parents. It's why my best games in high school were the ones so far away nobody went or when I was so angry or sick I couldn't even think straight and had to rely solely on muscle memory. It's why if I am not financially stable, making good grades, pouring into enough people, or being helpful enough or a positive investment enough at work, I can't handle it. It's why I go and go and go until I physically can't handle it and am knocked on my back, to sick to move, for a week. It's why I HATE asking anybody for anything for me. It's why I don't have a job for the summer yet because I have to ask the people I know to hire me to clean their houses or watch their kids or let me work for them for the summer. And I'm afraid they'll feel obligated or I won't pay off to them as an employee, even though I am a really hard worker. Maybe I'll just suck at the job. The people that I don't know, I'd be happy to ask but from my experience asking thus far, won't hire me because I leave in two months and they can tell from "School/Education" part of the application. Or they're already hired (fruit/camp related jobs) since March.

But I can't let go. I want to. I chose to. I don't know how. I know "working out your salvation with fear and trembling" is really healthy and mostly lacking in the common Christian. But this constant guilt of not doing/being enough can't be right. This juggling plates and stressing is not what that verse means. This sick pit in my stomach of not being able to do it...ya not healthy. It reminds me of Abraham producing Ishmael to fulfill God's promises and way on his own strength.

So I watch God close in the hedges and walls and I know relief is coming. But breaking is coming with it. And I know it'll be bigger then it's been before, it always is. And it'll touch the very core of where I function from. And I want to embrace it without self-preservation. That'll be hard. I want to be free dangit. I want to have joy, not guilt, in the freedom of Christ. I want His light load and burden. And it's coming I can feel it. I can see it. No job. Laptop broken. Speeding ticket in a speed trap. I need gas money to get to TX and rent in 2 months. I still have $200 I got to pay back on a payment. I ran out of gas last week and my brother had to bail me out and won't let me pay him back (was waiting on a solid amount of cash to be paid from the past 2 weeks of people I worked for that had ALL, ironically and sovereignly, decided to pay me later at their convenience. Which I of course was totally fine with). And today my engine light went on. Replacing it would be the third engine in a 2 year period. All in a 2 week period. Um, what? Hmm.

God deals with me like this often. Maybe other people think I'm reading into things, but I KNOW and recognize His voice in this. Oh, and He's yelling. Even though I heard the whisper. And still the more stern, "Hannah...." But I am a persistent girl. And I am strong. Your greatest strengths are your greatest weaknesses I hear, and as Brad Bell says, "He won't use you greatly until He has broken you deeply." I'm a "Jacob" to the core. I mask it and rationalize it by saying I am being trying to make the best of those who invested in me and be responsible and serve and get things done. But really I am just full of my own strength. I am trying to attain this standard so I am okay. It is there I run to to make sure I am okay. I need to be crippled. I want a permanent limp. And even though I want those arms to carry me and see the rocks in my path and the weight and the first few raindrops hit my face weeks ago....I think it just might take a flipping hurricane.

The best part? I just wrote that and then started singing the song, "He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane..." Bring it on Lord. Whatever it takes. Trials are His mercy. His mercy because they bring us into submission and reliance on Him. Which I prayed for and then freak out when He acts. I just wonder what this one will cost. Will it be A&M? Or a summer job back at fruit patch walking into a failure? I don't know. I'm curious.

When I first started considering this on the drive home when I noticed the engine light despite me filling it up with fresh oil, a Tenth Ave North song came on, full of scripture references in their lyrics, singing just what I needed to hear reminding me of the last time I was dealing with this last summer and their song, "Let it Go" came on right as I was praying using the same words in the lyrics I had just prayed. New summer. New Cd.

I'm sick of the guilt and the never being enough. I'm sick of striving. I'm sick of white knuckling. I'm sick of my actions not following the belief of trusting in Him, His goodness, His best intentions, and love for me. I'm sick of them revealing my lack of love for Him. And I'm thankful for the walls closing in. Love is painted all over them. I want to get this. I want to be changed by this. How can you be a testimony of the gospel if you are not free? How can you extend grace if you can't accept it? How can you glorify the Lord if you are doing it all on your own strength? Another lyric of their's hitting home," If only we could see, He has already set us free." and JJ Heller "Only Love Remains."

I want to walk daily and closely with the Lord. Not in the morning and at night. Not at church. Not limited to time frames, but continually. By the Spirit. In the Spirit.

I am not okay. But it's a comin'. Like I said I'm just wondering what the cost is going to be and what direction it will take because last time it was Vanguard and a job I feel like I failed at.

"He gives all, He asks all." Elisabeth Elliot.