Hope in His Mercy.

I really want to write an awesome blog with lots of depth from His word. But this was for honesty right?

I think I need Romans 5:8 tatooed on....well I'm not sure where, but somewhere incredibly visible.

Isn't it funny how when you finally look back in a bird's eye view perspective you notice that there is a general theme to all the things God has been doing in you for months. And if you look back even further than that you realize it is your fault because you consistently prayed and asked for it?

His strength, not mine. He accomplished it. Not me. I can't add to it. I can't earn it or pay it back. I can't build my own character. I can't offer anything but "filthy rags" to Him. I can't do things for Him that will please Him. I can't. Those would be really nice lessons to really, really get. He doesn't delight in my strength or what I have to offer. Even if it is with the best intentions. He wasn't pleased with Esau. He wasn't pleased with Abraham trying to fulfil His promise by creating a way through Ishmael. That was Abraham's strength, Abraham's way, Abraham looking to the law to fulfil God's promise instead of grace.

And as much as I try to pray the right things or verbally surrender it doesn't accomplish anything. I want this to change so bad, if it did it would change EVERYTHING. I need EVERYTHING changed. I need to have no confidence in myself or my ability to do anything apart from God. I need to be utterly dependent on the Lord and His strength. I don't know how. I try to pray the right prayer or say that magic phrase that will somehow make it work this time. I try to look at my life and all the things that need to change and work on them. But that is introspection which is also a sin and trying to build my own character. Still my strength. Still me. I could explain this a lot longer but I think you get the point.

I need to let go. I don't know how. I need to give up. I need to release. I try, I don't know how to do any of that.

And so badly I just want to please the Lord. I want Him to delight in me and I want Him to be glorified and pleased. I want to feel His favor and smile on me. I just want to know that if I looked up and could see God's face (without the burning up or shining or falling on my face and remorse for my own sin and unworthiness which I know it would be....) I just wish it would be of Him smiling down at me. But that isn't how I feel. I don't think that is what He would be doing. I don't know how He could be pleased with me, there are to many things I didn't do enough or better or surrender or change that He revealed to me. Truthfully, I look back on the last year (I get VERY reflective at the end of the year) and I just see it streaked with failure. I should have done more of X at VU. Should have invested more in these friendships...should have started this bible study....should have worked harder and been a better example...should have taken more of an opportunity to share the gospel with my coworkers....should have invested more in the kids I live with or the high school girls back home....should have talked to my jr high girls more....should have worked more at school....should have studied for residency more to get the most out of it.......the list goes on and on and on. But that is what I see when I look back on last year. That I was never enough and I just failed again and again and again.

I want more. I want more out of this life than living comfortably. I want to have and impact for His Kingdom and glory. I want to passionately be after His heart and have my heart be His. I want to fulfil His purpose for me. I want more than the average marriage and family. I want my life to be poured out for Him.

But I look back and see failure and how very much I am not all those things I want. And that may seem sad and others looking in might think," Oh Hannah! You are crazy, God is using you so much and I know He is pleased with You."...but the fact all I see is my failure shows where my hope really is. Where my confidence really is. Where my strength really is. If all I see is my failure and incompleteness then clearly my hope is still in my ability to accomplish it, to being better, loving Him more, fulfilling His promises and purposes and intent for my life.

This verse is killing me. Mostly because I know it is right, I know it is what I want, I know it is Him speaking, and I know I have absolutely know idea what to do with it or how.

Psalms 145:10-11 "And He does not delight in the strength of the horse; He takes no pleasure in the legs of a man. The Lord takes pleasure in those who fear Him, in those who hope in His mercy."

I fear Him. I hope in His mercy. But I don't and I want to and I got nothing.....And that is what He takes pleasure in. I need to get this.

Sigh. Bigger sigh. I give up. Ha...and still I don't. I can't. Good thing He is God and faithful to the faithless and complete to the incomplete and strong in the weak because I am the weakest strong person I know.



My hope needs to be in His mercy.

p.s. this is one of those posts where comments would be much appreciated. Insight anyone?