Visited Vanguard last weekend for quite possibly my last time. Job hunting like crazy. Seems nobody wants to hire a girl that's bouncing out of here in 8 months. Not like I volunteer that information, but I'm not going to lie either. It was harder than I expected, visiting again that is. Everything is changing, which I expected. I, however, did not expect for it to hurt my lil heart again. I thought I had moved on as well.
It was a reminder of what I was missing all over again. And boy do I miss it. The community. My friends. The classes....everything. I asked for more. I chose more. And it is so evident to me that the only thing I do know for sure is that He asked me to give up Vanguard. And I did. Looking back, I still know without a doubt that is what He called me to do. He called me, but I have no idea to what. All I know is what I had to lay down. Nothing more. I feel a little like Abraham being called and having to leave everything behind yet having no idea where he was going.
And I need to pay for my plane ticket to visit College Station soon. I was waiting until I got a job, which fell through again. I don't know what I'll do if I don't move to Texas next year. 90% sure that's what I'm doing. As sure as a girl can be who hasn't visited for 11 years anyway. I don't want to be naive and say my decision is made without me visiting.
I just have a lot of questions. A lot of decisions to make. And all I know is what I had to give up and how much it hurt, and still hurts. And I was in a funk for a day because of it.
But you know what? Either I believe He is God or I don't. Either I believe He is fully in control, has a plan,fulfills His promises, and love me, and has His best for me...or I don't. None of this saying I believe Him and trust Him and am following where He has called me and then worrying like it is all up to me and will all fall apart if I don't control it.
He knows my needs. He knows His plan. It has been set in motion a long time before I was clued in. And it isn't up to me. I won't move without praying. (not talking about physically moving like to TX, more like in general making decisions and such...) He will provide for me. I've been reading a little George Muller today and it all clicked in again. I followed when He called but I am not trusting Him to meet my need. And whatever it is He wants, whatever situation He has me in...It is best and whatever He is trying to do or accomplish will be more than worth the price I pay for it. I want that. I want His way. For my life and in me. No less.
And further more, it is NOT ABOUT ME. It is for His glory. My life is for His glory. Thank you for your prayers dear friends. I am content today. Or at least now. Praise the Lord.
It is enough. I am enough. Where He has me is enough. He is enough.
P.S. And I LOVE this new routine of pulling my hair back into a pony tail after a long day, kicking off my shoes, turning on some good worship music (alright somedays it's country or chill), and cooking dinner barefoot in the kitchen. It is good for my soul.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. For by it the elders obtained a good testimony. By faith, we understand that worlds were framed by the word of God, so that the things which were are seen were not made of things which are visible... By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to the land of his inheritance, not knowing where he was going... for without faith it is impossible to please Him, if anyone comes to God, he must believe that He is and that He is the rewarder of those who diligently seek Him." Hebrews 11
ReplyDeleteI love you so much my dear precious best friend. The Lord has some super awesome cool stuff up His sleeve for you. Listen Hannah. Jump Hannah. I pray that the Lord would increase your faith, and that He would make you a woman who waits and listens for His heart in all things. Be blessed and be encouraged. You're the best mentor ever!
-T