rest.

Probably should have been two posts in between this one and the last one...but I've been a busy girl.

I've been feeling it for some time now. The strain of the pace I'm going and it's been easy to ignore the seams beginning to bulge. It was only a matter of time really. It's funny how after God stops you dead in your tracks you can look back and see all the signs and words He tried to warn you with before hand. Praise the Lord that He is so patient with me and so involved!

I was pretty sure that I could handle my scheduele. I couldn't see myself cutting anything out, all of it seemed necessary. Sure, I wasn't doing any one of my committments to the best of my ability, just the best I could with whatever was left of me. I mean really? How did I not know that is not okay. Does God ever work that way? Give you so many things that you can't do any of them right but just enough to cover the bases all the while really accomplishing nothing that actually matters?

So here I am, laying in bed for the fourth day in a row literally able to do nothing. Took a shower and almost collapsed twice walking back to my room. BUT...I am learning a lot. For starter's, I am not God and the world is fully capable of spinning without my help. But even more, I am learning to say no. It's harder than it looks and not being able to fulfill my commitments is killing me. But after reflecting over the countless messages I heard on rest or taking a sabbath, not to mention converstations with friends and a million other things....it's time to just take the hit, learn my lesson, and do damage control. I talked to my dad, hands down the wisest person I know. Seriously, I wish everyone could listen to him talk about the bible. It even beats the Well (and THAT my friends is not easy for me to say). He walked in and asked how I was. And I said I felt better and was probably going to try residency and class in the morning. And in a joking manner he said, okay...go ahead. Fight God on this one and see how that works out for you....Which of course brought on a good conversation of how nothing happens without a reason and how obvious it is if you take a step back, that I refused to stop so He stopped it all for me. So, I am learning to say no. And I am trusting the Lord instead of controlling my own life...or trying to. I figure I'll just take the step of faith and stretch out my hand and trust He's got it. It's worked every other time. But I couldn't just get better and go back to the craziness. If He was going to go through the effort of being so specific in touching my life and trying to teach me this, I want to be a worthy investment and I have to respond.

So I quit my job. After talking to my parents. Ya know, surround yourself with wisdom and counsel...it's somewhere in Proverbs...probably more like everywhere. I am now only cleaning one house and back to a tight budget hoping I'll scrape by next semester. But the Lord provides. And I said no...to youth group last night, to all my classes for 4 days, to friends, to another house to clean, to bible studies, and to residency. I'm going to have to probably quit my lifegroup. And really? Why did I even sign up if I am already committed to two other bible studies? This all may seem really trivial and obvious, but for me not shouldering it all and learning to say no has been harder than I ever thought it'd be. Or than it ever should be. I think it is a lot about me having to have people's approval and not letting them down or avoiding disappointment at all costs. I've realized more clearly the depth of my self reliance, my confidence in my own strength, and my lack of taking the Lord's yoke and rest.

I am still not better, but instead of fighting it and trying to heal asap so I can hurry back to my responsibilities, I'm taking my dad's advice on just soaking in being sick and listening closely to lessons to be learned.

I was so sure I had prayed myself into the situation I was in. So sure it was God answering my prayer of helping me fix my character flaw of time management and priorities and whatever else...of course that wouldn't seem to corralate well with the messages constantly plauguing me on rest and sabbathing coming from every side. Now looking back I can see that was just me trying to build my own character (...pride? mmm probably more than a little). And it didn't actually turn out that well. So I figure I should just listen to the more subtle signs now and learn to let go and rest.

Now that I'm over the freaking out that I have to let people down and control everything stage...I'm really looking forward to this. To being able to spend my extra day off studying for residency...or taking my jr. highers or whoever else out for coffee...visiting my friends down south....painting....reading....actually spending time with the family I live with and investing in the kids. This is a special year. I know that, and I don't want to waste it and I want to be thankful for it. It's not a year to get ahead, it's a year to learn and invest. Thankfully I still have through May and it's only October.

And can I just say that after being gone the equivilant of two years being able to actually live close enough to come home to my parents house when I'm sick and having momma take care of me when she's not working, like only mothers do, is probably the best ever. And second to that is old John Wayne movies with my dad.