Well one to two weeks later, I'm slightly less teenage angsty than I was last week. But not by much.

Getting there. I still have zero answers. After processing, I'm slightly more aware of why it's all affecting me so much. Less about school, more about Bryan. Probably the combination of the two weighted in Bryan and plans in general for next year. He is, thankfully, softening my hard heart. I've still got a ways to go.

I've come to realize I am so bent out of shape and frustrated because all my plans and efforts have failed. My efforts in following God, doing the best I know how to do. My plans to help make following Him doable. My ideas and ways I've come up with to bring everything on my heart and set before me together. All. Failed. And I watched them work out for those around me. And every person I came in contact with in the process, I watched my prayers for them be answered. Without my own.

Which is where I am wrong. Because I spent much of the last two semesters praying for God to help me know Him as my strength, not my own. That I would actually depend on Him and His strength. I know it's a struggle. Byproduct of walking with the Lord since I was a child is that I am very confident in my own strength because I have a skewed view of what is my effort works and what is His grace. He IS answering my prayers. And thoroughly, I might add.

Yet here I sit, angtsy and frustrated. Less than before, but it's still flaring up continually. I've worked out until I hurt. I've eaten. I've cleaned. I've shopped. I've watched a ton of stupid television shows and read fruitless books to distract myself. Every ridiculous thing you can think of. I've run. Seven point two miles to be exact. That's a record for this kid. Well, without a coach forcing me anyway. I ran and ran and ran. I spent the first five miles trying to figure out where I went wrong or what to fix or do or where to go from here. About mile six I decided no. He has brought me to the end of myself. I'm a doer. I do things. I can handle a lot and I'm happy to bear the load. Need to make X amount of $ to move? Sure. I can do that. I'll work 90 hour weeks to do that. Need to transfer and it requires X amount of courses? Sure. I'll take 19 units and work 2 part time jobs. What I'm not used to is giving everything I have and doing all I know to do and watching it STILL not work out.

Not just not work out, but fail and having the realization with overwhelming clarity, that your efforts are not at fault for failure, God's orchestration is. Or both. He is designing my efforts to fail. I've been frustrated because I can't DO anything to get me out of this or fix it. I have zero ability to accomplish here. He must. I don't know what else to do but in my anger pray again and again that He wouldn't stop until He gets what He is after.

I am at the end of myself. And I think that's the point.

Zero answers to a whole lot of questions. Questions with deadlines.

About mile six and a half I decided this. He is either God, or He isn't. And even though I'm frustrated and angsty, I will sit here in all my frustration looking to Him. HE is my God. I will not run to Egypt in famine. I will not force a Hagar when He promised Isaac. I am staying put until He moves. He will come through or I will starve.

Slowly, very slowly, I start to see. I see that this is essential for my growth and His ability to use me. So I say okay. Oh. Kay. And i yield. Slowly, I yield. And I see that I need to know Him, not a method. I see it is not about doing it is about loving. I see that God is numbers person. He invented math. Not my favorite but it's whatever. I see that this is exactly three years after I handed my life completely to the Lord the summer I walked away from Vanguard and chose His best over His permissible and said all in. I see Him provide for my immediate needs. I see His fingerprints unmistakably covering every inch of this.

My heart was wrecked in October. I do not wish to remain the same. I fear it. More than inner city neighborhoods and dangerous down towns, I fear safety and comfort killing my soul. I want to obey His word in practice not in theory. And i don't want to wait until I move, graduate or marry. I want to now. Here. Where He has placed me now. I've done all I know how to do to seek counsel, read, pray, prayerfully take steps forward, get resources and networks, adjust my schedule. But apparently I misstepped, interpreted wrong, or missed something because I have no idea how to discern where i am now and how to proceed in light of it all.

So here I sit. No answers and nothing to offer. But He is God. And He is God of this. And He is MY God.

So in my frustration and angst, I thank Him instead. And as I thank Him, slowly I am beginning to see.
Thank you 1000 gifts by Ann Voskamp for helping me know this tactic.

-Thank You for answered prayers.
-Thank You for hearing and inclining Your ear to my small voice.
-Thank You for orchestrated failures.
-Thank You for holding this in Your hands.
-Thank You for Your good plans You have.
-Thank You for providing this far.
-Thank You that I do not walk this road alone but am surrounded by community.
-Thank You for moving.
-Thank You for meeting me in night runs around the park.
-Thank You for not letting me remain where I am.
-Thank You for what You are doing.

A sweet asian couple, what looked like a grad student and his mother, came in to Olive Garden tonight and sat down at table 322. As I served out their meals, they asked about my thumb ring and what it said.

I said it's Hebrew for Ebenezer. Jehovah-Jirah.

God has provided. God will provide.


He is my God.