The Pursuit of Holiness

Today my small group for residency had our book discussion on Jerry Bridges book, "The Pursuit of Holiness." It talks a lot about the sin we tolerate and the need to compare ourself to Christ instead and how easily we rationalize things. It talked about how we need to view sin as something that He hates and directly affects our fellowship with Him. It also said that the pursuit should be as an act of obedience rather than a victory mindset approach, which makes it about us rather than Him.

That was just background, what I've really been thinking about is how if we get so caught up in rationalizing and questioning how much is to extreme etc there is a much bigger issue at hand. If we are so quick to rationalize and let things slide, clearly we aren't protective of our fellowship with Him. So I think the bigger issue is that fact that honestly we don't love God enough or more than the sins. And we sure as heck don't value His fellowship enough to jealously protect it. And if we don't value it enough than clearly our strength and source of life and comfort etc is not Him. But really now, how can it be if we live that way?

I've been thinking about this otherwise too. Gosh dang it, I am so sick of hurting Him. Not like He needs me or anything, but man I wish I was more faithful. I wish I didn't feel like I needed to apologize and get right with Him at the beginning of every quiet time each morning and night because I know I didn't live my life and day with Him as my Source and abiding in Him etc. I don't love God. If I truly did, I'd live differently. Or I'd value the days I do live like that enough to make sure nothing hurts it. Praise God for grace and sanctification.

95% sure I'm moving to Texas come August. More posts on that later. I still have to tell my roommate and my lifegroup girls tonight. Cringe on so many levels. It's like the decision is obvious and right in front of me and I'm just looking for ways to doubt it because I am so scared of making the wrong choice. Of choosing something that is not His best, but rather what He allows. I want to be where He will be most glorified and gain the most of me. Honestly, with the set up I have in Fresno and my girls there as well as opportunities at IHS with the girls there...I am so set for a ministry my heart is already captured with. I have good community and a great church....and a university I hate. BUT, those other things would make it worth it. I'm learning a lot about the Holy Spirit lately. It always is so feely and wishy washy sounding that I usually shy away from it...but there is something about this like...inner sense...that you just KNOW. Anyone got me? In a book by watchman nee on following God's will he said take into account your environment, the Holy Spirit, and His word. My cousin told me that He will ultimately be able to gain me wherever I am and that in big decisions like this to take a small step in each direction and I will feel life behind one of them. Another person I really respect told me that although it isn't true for everybody he believes that whatever I consecrate to God, He will bless. And if we are going off that sense....Fresno feels like I'm striving. And I definitely didn't feel death in Texas or anything seemingly hinting at no. But is that enough to move? Environment leans towards TX but could be otherwise despite flipping FSU and the educations system being against me. My heart is in Texas without question for many reasons.

And if I'm being completely honest, I am suffocating here in Fresno. I have a Jon complex I can't kick. It's been like this since jr. high. I can never be myself around people that already know and love Him. Maybe I don't put myself in his shadow initially, but I sure as heck am what's keeping me there. I question every move I make and word I say and mostly I just choose to be quiet. My personal version of hiding I've heard. Any environment where He isn't known I am free as a bird and totally fine. It's not me and I hate it because there are few people in this world I love more. I know this situation was without a doubt the Lord's arranging and I want to be healed of whatever this issue is in me that is not okay. Even if he left come September, I still would suffocate in Fresno. Maybe for more reasons than his shadow.

My heart is in Texas and all it is and offers. But is that enough to decide on? I don't want my own agenda. And nothing in the word is being negative and I'm paranoid I'm reading into things the opposite way so I don't want to believe it and trust it because I think it's me interpreting it. And every wise counsel I've sought of people I truly trust have all said the same thing. But this ....thing...is holding me back from being fully sure and taking that step. I just want to absolutely know this is the Lord and His way. Oh and I need to know in an hour so I can cry over it with my jr. high girls. Why yes, I am a crazy person.

Sorry for the bummer post. Needed to get it out of my system. And Jordan...it's coming. Sorry I'm lazy.