Jump

Well it's done. Decision made. And I am confidant.

Four months from now I will be headed south with my little Avalon packed to capacity. Probably blaring country music with my hand out the window playing with the wind.

I've been in dreamer mode for the past three days. You know, that place you go where you are just super thoughtful and contemplative and really feel things? Well honestly, I am one of those intense people who usually always has something on my mind. I've learned to accept it and that it's just the way I am. I like really seeing things. Really understanding. Or trying anyway. For heaven's sake! I can't even watch college football without gaining life lessons. Intense much? Yes. But I do love laughing.

However, these past few days, along with my ponderings, I've come to conclusions. I want to write a declaration of sorts to process it all out. That is one of the many points of this blog anyway seeing as I'm more of a suppressor unless asked outright.

I need to stop competing. If I don't let go and embrace who God made me, than I am limiting His plan and robbing the Body of Christ of what He intended when He made me. Nobody can compete with me if I am being myself. It is only when I strive to be something other than fully myself that the playing field is leveled. I believe that hiding in a shadow is competing because it is absolutely striving. How dare I, mere clay, question the Potter? And isn't that what I'm doing when I'm hiding behind silence and reservations? Not anymore.

I love life. And it is to short not to live to the fullest. It's to short to live afraid of not being enough. Afraid of taking risks. Afraid of rejection. Afraid of making mistakes. Afraid period. I am a fighter and a lover. I am hardworking and strong. I am intense and always thinking. I love people. I love watching people and truly seeing them. I love understanding people's hearts. I love movies, music, dance, art, and photography that make you really feel something. I like football and family gatherings. I love the country. I love good talks. I love the stars and summer nights. I am a morning and a night person. I genuinely enjoy manual labor. I like sports. I don't like watching movies when hanging out with people. I like food. Pepsi freezes, and chocolate milk or orange juice with a bendy straw are my drinks of choice. Sweet tea is growing on me. I would do anything for my friends or family. I like being there for people. I actually want you to call me at 3 in the morning when you need something, or to talk, or to just not be alone. I'm a lyrics person. I love the bible. I love my boots. I love being a girl and taking a long time to get ready sometimes. I like candles and walks and the window down when I drive. I have an alter ego. I hate not knowing where I'm going in new places. I'm the reason girl drivers have the stereotype they do. I need to be more disciplined. I read into everything. I think you can know a lot about a person from their desk (in a dorm room anyway). My parents are some of my best friends. I hope my brothers will be someday too. I am awful at math. I love boys that open doors. I notice. Every single time. I promise. And to those of you that do, thank you. I like being barefoot. I have a cheesy sense of humor. I like things that mean somethings. I'm super sentimental. Although I hardly cry when it's about me, anything sentimental or heart wrenching and I'm a goner. Sad movies, commercials, songs, or when my friend is crying and I'm tearing up right along side them. I get really productive late at night and clean to process things. I inhale milk and I hate coffee. I want a red front door and a house with an open room so if someone needs somewhere to stay our door is always open for however long they like. I want to do something significant with my life, no matter how insignificant it seems to the world. I love people who don't compromise their standards. When judging a persons character I watch how they treat those perceived as "less than them" and what they do in the little things. Rarely base anything on what comes from a persons mouth. I love morning voices and black babies. Friday Night Lights and Hannah Montana. Loyalty and authenticity are what I value most in the friendships I choose to surround myself with consistently.

I could go on, but I don't need to. I'm going to be free. And I'm going to embrace who I am and offer my heart to the world. Everything I am and everything I'm not is all in His hand. I want to fight for something with my whole heart. I want to do things to the best of my ability and walk away, succeed or fail, knowing I gave it my best. I want to be willing to be vulnerable and raw to people. I want to be honest that way. Not without wisdom, but without trying to be something I'm not. I don't want to be so guarded all the time that I never let people in. I want to truly love people. I want to view them as made in His image and as someone He loved enough to die for. I want to be big hearted and gracious. I want to refresh people and make them feel like a million bucks when they're with me. I want to be hospitable. I want to be content to fly under the radar and not have to receive recognition. I want to serve with my heart in the right place, not ever competing for His glory. I want to make the most of the investments made in my life, particularly that of the incredible family I was raised in. I want to live with a heart wide open. I want to do something that matters. I want to really live life to the fullest and not be afraid to take chances. I want to chase dreams and go on adventures. I want to go on road trips and buy a bulldog and adopt. I want to not mistake making a living for living life. I want to believe and hold on to hope when everything else says differently. I want to fight for something that matters. I want to be present. I want to have an incredible marriage that goes against the odds and refuses to settle for good. I want to have a big family. I want to be at rest with who I am and be able to fully give with all pistons firing. I want to challenge myself and grow and learn. I'm going to take chances and live life to the fullest and love with my whole heart. And all these things listed are good. There is life in them. The make the soul come alive. But they are not the source of life. The soul without the spirit is still left with a gaping hole.

Life's to short to not soak it up and make the most of it. Rereading that, it doesn't really properly relay all the things swirling in my head/heart right now, but that's okay. In a conversation a while back my brother told me, "Jump, Hannah, jump." And a few months later one of my best friends (one of the rare treasures who truly knows you even when you don't know you) and I drank a bottle of sparkling cider making toasts and cheering late one night in the rain on a tailgate wrapped in blankets to living life that way, free and embracing. I'm going for it and I'm done holding back.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” Anais Nin

I'm jumping.