Rambling heart...

I'm not even sure what this will turn into...but my heart is full. If it ends up being really intense and heart issue oriented yet again...I apologize because it very well may be that way. I tend to write when I really am feeling things, if that makes sense. My blog has kind of turned into my own heart to heart therapy session of processing my life. So naturally, when I need a release and to sort things out is when I feel inspired to write. How's that for an intro? :)

Once again I am sitting at starbucks using their high speed internet (at least when I start this I am). Soaking in the summer evening breeze...I've been enjoying my roof a lot the last couple of nights. I go up there to really get away from all distractions and be able to really think and sort things out. But when I get up there and can hear nothing but crickets and frogs, feel the cool yet warm air, and have the moon provide just enough light to see the orchards for miles and foothills in the distance...I end up just spending a lot of time being silent before God. "Be still and know that I am God."...that ends up being the outcome no matter what my intentions are when I head up the ladder. And truthfully, it is just what I need. Doing that tends to sort out life for me, just in a different way then I planned.

As far as work and my job goes...well there are two things I LOVE, 1. my awesome assortment of colorful post its that I use all the time. So fun. Yup I am such a girl. and 2. my pens I bought that write oh so nicely *smile* I am getting the hang of it and finding God in a whole lot of places I never expected is a good way to define my job.

Hung out with some friends from high school last weekend for the fourth. It just made me realize all the more what I am losing by transfering. I also spent some time in environments that made me realize what it will be like to, once more, walk into a place where everyone already knows and loves Jon. he is very funny, and as weird as he is, is some how played off as cool. He is pretty popular wherever he goes and well liked. Yup my brother (s) are awesome. I don;t know why that makes me feel like I need to fade into the background or why it makes me freeze up, but it does. I don't know if it is because I think people will always like him better and just view me as his kid sister instead of someone they want to get to know and potentially be friends with, or what...

All I do know is that I am definitely on the chopping block. So many things are going on in my life right now...shaping things. Things that are hard to relat and explain. (I never was good at sharing things until I am done going through them. Clearly still true.) But instead of feeling like clay on the Potter's wheel being shaped with His hands while my world spins out of my control, I feel more like a concrete slab getting jackhammered. Between my job, school, friends, and lots of other "stuff", I feel like my life is a mirror reflecting all my weaknesses back to me. I prayed for God's revealing light earlier this summer. But instead of the gentle lamp light I expected, it is a whole lot more like a spotlight right in my face making me squint and shield myself all the while feeling very exposed and unable to hide.

I look around me at people going through things so much harder, things that devastate. And a number of my friends have gone on missions trips recently and listening to them share their hearts and experiences has a way of righting my perspective on what truly matters. So I keep struggling with why the things I am going through are hurting me when I have it beyond good. Things rarely come easy for me, like ever, but I am blessed beyond belief with priceless things that matter and others live without. So it frustrates me that I struggle and hurt when it doesn't come close the the depths of the intense heartache I know is out there. I talked to my dad about it and he told me, "Oh no, Hannah. Do not let the enemy get to you and shame you like that. Don't think so highly of yourself, you are just clay." So, so good.

I don't know a lot about anything right now. Pretty much the only thing I do know while I walk through this period of my life, staring my insecurities and weaknesses in the face, is this prayer I keep praying over and over, "Lord, I am just clay. And I just love You."

I was driving to work the other day when I gave up. I told the Lord I am unable to do it. I am unable to change my dispostion, my need to not disappoint people, my need to be approved of, my fear of annoying others, and all the other things and expectations I feel I need to be and live up to that control me. Galatians 1:10 talks about if we still lived life to please men we would not be called slaves of Christ. Yup, fail. My fear of disappointing people runs so deep it cripples me often in social environments, not to mention the death it was to me in many sports games, and the cause of many sleep deprived nights in jr. high and high school...and recently. So I gave up and said Lord, You are going to have to change this in me because it is not okay and I can't fix it. I give up....right then, my ipod went to the next song on shuffle which happened to be "Let it Go" by Tenth Avenue North, one of my favorite Christian bands. The lyrics go like this..."I've been holding on so tight, see these knuckles they've gone white. I'm fighting for who I want to be, just trying to find security...but You say let it go. You say life is waiting for the ones who lose control, you say You will be everything to me. You say if I lose my life it is there I find my soul, You say let it go. Well it is hard enough to hear, harder still to move beyond this fear, You know there is nothing I can bring. So tell me, what do You want from me? You say let it go...chorus etc." Exactly what I needed. Thank goodness God is a personal God who likes to be involved in our life even in things as small as our next song on our ipods.:)

It may seem like not that big of a deal, sure everyone struggles with being liked by others. But, it is an aspect of my life that literally I let cripple me at times. And it is an aspect of my life God has shed light on and said, "Hannah, this is competeing with Me and I won't allow it anymore." well basically that is the jist of it. It really is a big deal. If I am waking up several times a night in a panic, if I let it affect how I act and am to the point it changes me, I am letting it have control. I am not letting the Lord be enough for me. My beautiful new(ish)found friend CHar wrote this song that has two lines that absolutely kill me in it. And maybe I am not quoting them right, but this is what I hear. The first line is..."The things of earth, the praise of man, is it enough? These are the filth we make our portion. Our talents and our future plans, is it enough?"...I am so focused on things of this world and myself, I forget that it is not about me and all this is passing away. I forget that I should be losing myself in Him because it is ALL about Him. And that He is enough for me and that I GET TO have Him be the treasure of my heart. Yet instead of resting in that and cherishing Him, I run to the orld and put so much stock in what it has to offer, it's things that mean nothing when all is said and done, and THAT is what I make my hearts treasure and THAT is what I run to for approval and validation. These are the filth I make my portion. Oh that my heart's portion would be in Him alone.

The next line that kills me says, "His precious Son, who bled and died, was it enough?"...I certainly don't live like it is. I sit here enslaving myself to the world, trying to earn it all on my own when He bled and died to free me and I take that gift and choose to struggle anyway. Struggle and try and earn what was already done for me and what I can never earn. Why can't I just rest in the fact God did it all, my being a good person won't accomplish anything, my being well liked, approved of, living for God, won't do anything but make me a bigger sinner by being self righteous...once again i am what was known in the bible as a Pharisee. Pride of obedience. "He proved His love for us in this, that while we were still sinners Christ died for us."

So why can't I just live a life of response to that? knowing that He did it for me, earned it for me, and nothing I will ever be able to do, good or bad alike, will be able to add or detract from what He has already done or accomplished. I need to rest in the fact He is my validation, He is my Advocate and I sit washed in the blood of the Lamb. He paid what I never could, so yeah, I suck. I struggle, but instead of letting the enemy tell me how worthless and what a failure I am, I need to say, "Yes, Those things may be true but it doesn't matter because I am covered in the blood of Christ Jesus, so whatever you have to say, whatever accusations, true or not, say it to the blood.:... It is not my battle to fight. I have an Advocate in Christ Jesus. One who paid to heavy a price just for the opportunity to let Him be my Advocate. I am sick of struggling to giht battles that not only will I never win, but that were already won for me. I waste my freedom in Christ on a daily basis by choosing to enslave myself to the world that He paid such a high price to free me of. I am the Lord's beloved, His bride, who daily is adulterous in a worse way that prostitutes because I don't do it for pay, I freely give myself to the things of the world and make that my heart's treasure.

Lord, I am just clay. And I just love You.

Switching gears and wrapping this up (yes I know it is definitely time) I know I say this a lot, but I am really loving appreciating the simple things in life. The little joys. Love 'em, they make my day if I let them. Someone/something I have been praying for is finally being answered after four plus years.:) I love Keith Urban (current top played). I love Jim Elliot's The Shadow of the Almighty bio. So good. I LOVE the well community church....And seriously, seriously everyone needs to go read Mike Donehey's journal entries/posts on Tenth Avenue North's website...tenthavenuenorth.com. Mike is the lead singer and author of all the lyrics. He is writing a devotional online with the titles of their CD as the topics. They are insanely good and take simple Sunday School 101 head knowledge and explode the simple truths into incredible realities that leave me going REALLY? HOW HAVE I MISSED THIS! So go, do my and your heart a favor and read them. And then write me about them so we can talk about how awesome they are and how awesome God is.

thank you for reading my rambling thoughts, and I forgive you and fully understand if you haven;t made it this far.

shout outs:

Abbey and Sara: I am so sad, beyond words, about not getting to see you this month. If it was anything else besides family I wouldn't have missed it for the world. I love you both and am so thankful for my long distance friends(though I wish it wasn't long distance).

Ell: why did we not discover each other sooner? I love your heart and your sharing it with me. friends for life k? seriously.

Char: I am so so thankful for you and your heart. I I treasure you.

Jon Foster: if you didn't read all of that or this, I neither blame you or expect it. But if by chance you are, I have verse for you that makes me think of you a lot since my first hume visit. Ephesians 3:20 - "But to Him who is able to do superabundantly above all that we ask or think according to the power which operates in us. To Him be the glory..." That is my prayer for You and what I know God is going to do with you. So go crazy, dream big, the world needs more people like you. Actually you should definitely read Jim Elliots bio the Shadow of the Almighty. It will inspire you and drive you even more I bet.