BUT, God.

Insanity. This job is pure insanity. I go from having to do all I can not to scream or say things I'll definitely regret, and even strangle, to having the most beautiful moments where you catch glimpses of their little hearts and genuinely see them and gain deeper access. I love my girls. I want to strangle them daily, but I love them.

Both extremes, to the extreme, and everything in between, all in a 24 hour period.

And then the stories come pouring in. Locked in basements while the parent's other many children played and got treated like family. Rape. Being sold and trafficked by your own parents, the very people who are supposed to love and protect you.

They're mean. And they scream. And they cut each other down. They hurt, and it's deep. They're boy obsessed in ridiculously unhealthy ways. They don't listen. They fight me on every single thing. They are bossy, and sarcastic, and wounded. They also sometimes care for each other, and take responsibility, and open up, open to the Lord, apologize, make peace, diffuse conflict, do things without being asked, step into leadership roles, obey, and bless my freaking socks off. Their whole view of family, relationships, and value is not only skewed but completely desolated.

BUT God. I love how every too much, not enough, too big, too deep, too hard, can't, don't want too, not possible can be met with a BUT God.

His hand is not so short it cannot save.

And it is SO DANG easy to glorify the ministry and be in awe of it when you step outside the ranch. To glamorize it and let everyone else think it's this incredible, powerful ministry. Which it is. And think the staff is these insanely selfless, gifted, to be recognized and held up people. And they are incredible.

But the ministry is not perfect, the staff is not perfect. Jesus, however, is. And He beats hard in all of us and He is over that ranch and those homes. Reminds me of when the bible talks of the Spirit brooding. He broods over those places. I can FEEL it.

But we broken. JUST people. Hung out with staff late last night after the girls have gone to bed. I can feel them finally letting their guards down and letting me in. We sat around the island in the kitchen, laughing, venting, sipping our drinks, and enjoying being together and it hit me all over again: We are just people. Flawed, venting, beyond ourselves completely. We lose it sometimes. We don't always hold our tongue. Most of the time when it all hits the fan...which is often....we have no idea what we're doing. I'm sure their is an ideal person for this position, but it's not me. And it's not us. My team I get to work with BLOW ME AWAY. Incredible. But totally human. And totally beyond ourselves.

BUT God. Praying. Walking closely with Him and seeking His face and working in every situation is the only way anything remotely healing, productive, loving, etc happens.

BUT God. Every single day. BUT GOD.