I don't know. I am not able. I have a lot of questions. I need direction.

I have a great need for my God. I have a greater God for my need.

Timing has been significant and comical. Two minutes to the second after one burden of need is lifted, housing and back up housing fall through. Among other things.

And I look to the sky and thank God for being merciful and jealous. Because what if I didn't need Him? What if I was able to handle my schedule, finances, plans, relationships without Him? Or at least if I felt I could? I know Him because I need Him. And He keeps me. And I'm thankful.

"Who among you fears the Lord? Who obeys the voice of His Servant? Who walks in darkness and has no light let him trust in the name of the Lord and rely upon his God." Isaiah 49:10

"...let Him trust in the name of the Lord..." Father. God. Savior. Healer. Redeemer. Restorer. Repairer of the Breach. Provider. The I Am.

"...and rely upon his God." My Father. My God. My Savior. My Healer. My Redeemer. My Restorer. My Repairer of the Breach. My Provider. The I Am to my I am not.

"Those who open their eyes will see bread and be satisfied." "I am the bread of Life."

So I look and pray for open eyes. For eyes that see. And I do SEE. And I thank Him. And I ask for help seeing things to be thankful for. And He shows me. And as I look for things to be thankful for, I look with new eyes and all the things I see are actually Him. And it becomes bread to me. And I am satisfied.

"Trust in Him with all your heart. Lean not on your own understandings. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths/make your paths straight."

I don't want what I can orchestrate or manipulate when it could mean missing out on the good works He intended. I want His way. His work. Him. So I verbally acknowledge Him. In all my ways. In school. In work. In relationships. In everything. And it makes meaningless things eternal because I find Him in them and gain more of Him there.

"It is good for one to wait silently for the salvation of the Lord." "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go. I will guide you with My loving eye."

When I ask what to do, these are all He tells me. Trust Him. Wait for Him.

So I choose to believe and pray.

"Blessed is she who believes, for their will be a fulfillment of things told to her."

"Jesus answered the and said, "Most assuredly I say to you, you seek not because you saw the signs, but because you ate of the loaves and were filled. Do not labor for the food which perishes but for the food which endures to everlasting life, which the Son of Man will give you, because God the Father has set His seal on Him."

I do not trust Him because I saw the miracles of the stories pouring out from the Aurora shootings. I do not seek Him because He is a genie in a lamp waiting to fulfill all my wishes. I seek Him today, and by His keeping power, my whole life, because I have ate of the loaves and been filled.

I will not seek after answers I can bring about. I will not stress over school being more than I can handle. I will not let fear grip me over what I do not know. I will not let shame and hurt claim my day over people I no longer recognize. I will not spend tonight working to make money to pay bills. I will work and study and love and do it seeking Him. In all of it. Because He fills.

Today. Today is a gift. His mercies are new. His presence is real. His Life is mine. I don't intend to waste it.